Dissection of a Disaster
by Cyberchao X
Summary: It's been called the worst fanfiction ever. But is Tara Gilesbie's "My Immortal" really a crappy fanfiction, or merely a brilliantly constructed satire of one? CC and CCX discuss.
1. Part 1

**Dissection of a Disaster**

a Cyberchao X production

Summary: It's been called the worst fanfic ever. But is Tara Gilesbie's "My Immortal" _really_ a crappy fanfiction, or merely a brilliantly constructed satire of one? CC and CCX discuss.

Disclaimer: Many of the characters in "My Immortal" are, er, _loosely_ based on characters from J.K. Rowling's best-selling _Harry Potter_ series. The others are OCs by the story's author, Tara Gilesbie. CC and CCX are mine.

"Welcome to literary analysis class, everyone. Today, we will be deconstructing what is often referred to as the 'worst fanfiction ever'. Is it merely a noteworthy _example_ of poorly written fanfiction, or is it a brilliant satire of it?"

"Er, X? Why are we in story mode when we're still speaking? Don't we normally do this part in script mode?"

"We _are_ the story this time, Cyber."

"Oh, are we MSTing now?"

"Not quite. We're actually going to analyze this on an academic level. It's probably the first time the word 'academic' has been used in conjunction with this fic, but regardless, that's what we're doing."

"Okay. Why a 'brilliant' satire?"

"Because it's so good at passing as an actual piece of bad fanfiction. Is it really Tara doing all of this, or is Raven the mastermind? Is Tara even a real goth? Is Tara even _real_?"

"What else would she be?"

"A character created by Raven. Before you discredit this, remember that we're a pair of author avatars having a conversation."

"Good point. XXXmidnitegoffXXX must not have gotten the message, though, as in the 'sequel', 'Tara' mourns Raven's death. Are we going to discuss that, by the way?"

"I don't see why we should. While it is only theorized that the writing style of the original is lampooning bad fanfiction, the 'sequel' is almost undoubtedly lampooning Tara. There's a lot of evidence that the XXXmidnitegoffXXX account was created for the sole purpose of making fun of 'My Immortal'."

"We're not going to be one of those ones that quotes the entire thing verbatim, are we?"

"No, only where necessary. Let's take a look at chapter one. Chapter one is, well, short."

"Definite disparity between the quality of writing in the author's notes and the quality of the writing in the body of the story."

"I noticed that too. It's possible that the Beta, Raven, only made corrections in the body of the story, but Raven is supposedly still present in later chapters when things start getting bad. Now, in chapter 2, there still aren't any mistakes in the body of the story."

"It almost looks like it has potential here. Not much potential, as the Mary Sue-ishness of the main character is already evident, but nonetheless, I appreciate the detail given to describing the clothing and such."

"Agreed. Chapter 3, though occasionally slightly odd (one MST pointed out how strange it was to refer to a female as having an "ugly blonde _face_"), is still relatively well-written, aside from the banality of it all."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. Hardly any plot so far."

"We're going to have to start using quotes from the story at Chapter 4. We'll start with the opening A/N:

…**ebony's name is ENOBY nut mary su OK!**

Sure enough, her name _will_ be 'Enoby' many times before this is over. The first signs that this is going to crack. The next comes shortly after this. Cyber, would you like to do the honors?"

**Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.**

"And so it begins. Three times the word 'of' is used instead of 'off'. The adverb 'keenly' makes no sense here. And of course, there's the odd censorship in a story that's already loaded with mature material."

"Don't forget that Draco's 'thingie' is in Ebony's 'you-know-what' even though the only articles of clothing that Ebony has removed are her top and bra. It begs the question: Which 'you-know-what' are you talking about, Tara?"

"We're starting to move into MST territory here. One last quote from chapter four, though:

**It was…………………………………………………….Dumbledore!**

This story already had problems with too many ellipses, but this is overkill. Dramatic pause gone wrong."

"And so often in unnecessary places, too."

**PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!**

"I only _hope_ that this was an empty threat. I shudder to think that she actually got them. Our next error, the possible start of what would become a trend:

"**You ludacris fools!" he shouted.**

Spelled exactly the same as the rapper. Never mind the fact that this adjective doesn't belong here, nor does 'mediocre' before dunces a couple of paragraphs later."

"So when does the plot start?"

"Sadly, it may have already started."

"We're MSTing again, aren't we?"

"It's kind of hard not to. Right now, we're just pointing out the flaws. Later, we'll get around to pointing out how they transcend the realm of 'badness' and become a satire."

"Well, Chapter 6 looks pretty good from a syntax standpoint. The only real missteps are the 'like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko' line and the forced bit about Count Chocula—the type of thing that invites eye-rolling."

"Parody."

"Tara has a loosely defined concept of what a Mary Sue is. Chapter 7 seems determined to prove that she's not a Mary Sue, she's a Satanist. As if the two were mutually exclusive…"

"Mary Sues _are_ often bastions of purity, but it's not a requirement. However, there's one big misstep here:

**then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we HAD SEX.**

Ignore the all caps, which may stem from ignorance of how to use bold/italics (in forums where bold/italics don't work, which includes the review box on this very site, that _is_ the only way to do it, so…), and focus on the pronouns. So, Draco put his boy's thingy in Ebony's? Ebony has a 'boy's thingy'? It's very confusing."

"But not as confusing as this paragraph in Chapter 8. Did it briefly shift to Draco's POV?"

**I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me. I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony) for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)**

"Sure seems that way. Also, as the first installment of this deconstruction comes to a close, we have the first example of another ongoing theme—the correct spelling of a word that is similar to the correct word, but isn't."

"**Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility to Draco and then I started to bust into tears.**

"What causes that, X? Mistaken word identity?"

"No, I don't think so. This is a phenomenon that can be created by purposely misspelling a word, letting the spell-checker make suggestions, and then purposely choosing the wrong word. It's perfect for parodying bad fiction, although it becomes a bit weird later on once they stop making any pretense of there being a spell-checker. Join us next time as we continue to analyze this bizarre cult classic!"


	2. Part 2

**Dissection of a Disaster**

a Cyberchao X production

Disclaimer: May occasionally contain characters loosely based on J.K. Rowling's _Harry Potter_ series. Also, contains quotes from Tara Gilesbie's "My Immortal".

"And…we're back."

"Good, only one ellipsis. Well done, X."

"We'll jump right into chapter nine. It features gratuitous 'Ye Olde English' by the character of Voldemort, and also this head-scratcher:

"**Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) between Joel Madden and Gerard Way.**

She uses this multiple times over the course of the fic. Most of her bad goth-related puns are at least somewhat intelligible as to what the real word is…and, yes, as I'm writing this, I _finally_ get it. The words were about to come, 'I can't imagine _what_ word "pentagram" is standing in for, every time she uses it it's for what can best be described as a cross between two people…' and then suddenly it hit me: That _is_ the joke."

"…You cannot be serious."

"I am. Evidence in chapter ten:"

**I was really scared about Vlodemort all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666. I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR.**

"That's evidence how?"

"On its own, it isn't, but combine it with this (also features a highly overused joke)…

**(he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there's no way I'm writing that) or a steak)**

…and you get your answer. The MSTs point out that she wrote 'cross' earlier that chapter. This is funny stuff, and it also clears up the whole pentagram thing. Also, it should be pointed out that having Ebony as both lead singer and guitarist cements her Mary Sue status."

"Agreed, but why the pentagram/cross thing? Don't real goths often wear cross-shaped jewelry?"

"Not vampire goths. Just deal with it, I guess. Chapter 11 is where it jumps the shark. It is so bizarre that we shall have to quote it verbatim. I'll translate and comment where necessary."

**AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 it delz wit rly sris issus! sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hleping me! **(CCX: I said stop flaming you? preps! See if this chapter is stupid! It deals with really serious issues! So see for yourself if it's stupid. By the way, thanks to my friend Raven for helping me!)

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"**NO!" I screamed. I was horrorfied! B'loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off and I ran to my room crying myself. Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way.**

**Anyway, I started crying tears of blood and then I slit both of my wrists. They **(CCX: the tears of blood, not the wrists)** got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily **(CCX: the _only _way to do _anything _in this story) **while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume. **(CCX: It's a shame a _completely_ non-goth band ended up in this story; everything else thus far had been fake goths, just like Tara.)** I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide. I was so fucking depressed! I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly. **(CCX: Sorry, there are two ways to do things: angrily and _sadly._)** I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings. **(CCX: What large ears you have, Ebony!)** I couldn't fucking believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed… Snap **(CCX: If you have your spell-checker try to correct the word "Snape", it will come up with Snipe, Snap, Shape, Snaps, Snapper, Snapped, Snake, and Snare. Remember this as many of these words will appear later on.)** was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating **(CCX: masturbating) **to it! They were sitting on their broomsticks.**

"**EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! **(CCX: Or otherwise lewdly dressed)** ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!" I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it. Suddenly Vampire ran in.**

"**Abra **(CCX: Avada)** Kedavra!" he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb. **(CCX: wand)** I took my gun and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke. Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. "Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly…**

**Hargrid ran **(CCX: flew?) **outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk.**

"**What do you know, Hargrid? You're just a little Hogwarts student!"**

"**I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT…." Hargirid paused angrily. "BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!"**

"**This cannot be." Snap said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore's wand had shot him. "There must be other factors." **(CCX: Awfully calm for someone who's bleeding)

"**YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!" I yelled in madly. **(CCX: Any what?)

**Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly. **(CCX: And he called for his pipe, and he called for his bowl, and he called for his pachyderms three. CC: MSTing again.)** "The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!"**

**I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood.**

"**Why are you doing this?" Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook. **(CCX: Hopefully, cloak.)

**And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint.**

"**BECAUSE…BECAUSE…." Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent. **(CCX: I don't even want to know…)

"**Because you're goffic?" Snap asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan.**

"**Because I LOVE HER!"**

"And this is where it turns into the famously bad fanfiction?"

"Yes. Already there are some signs of calculated weirdness, although there are also signs of pure laziness."

"True. This one's pretty good:

**Dumbledore had constipated the cideo camera they took of me naked.**

I see what the real meaning of constipated is here (confiscated), but why a 'cideo camera'?"

"C is right next to V on the keyboard. Get used to it, because by the end of the story, all six of the letters adjacent to the D key (E, R, S, F, X, and C) will have replaced the d in Voldemort's name at least once. 'Oddly', other letters will hardly ever be replaced, aside from occasionally messing up one of the vowels or replacing the r with an n."

"Ah, right. This next quote:

**Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong) to it he added silently.**

Why, yes, Tara, yes it is spelled wrong. The next group of mistakes doesn't deserve full quoting. Suffice to say it involves misuse of the word _kawaii_, a term ill-suited for a goth to be using, and the 'Hair of Magical Magic Creatures' class. Also, in the section that's repeated twice in the chapter, the whites of Harry's eyes are red, and…sorry, I _have_ to do this one direct quote-style. About Draco:"

**Volfemort has him bondage!**

"Wow. What?"

"Bad English, of course. I think it needs a preposition."

"Chapter 13's pretty short so we'll just do the ending:

"**You'll see." he said. He took out his wand and did a spell. Then…… suddenly we were in Voldemprt's lair!**

**We ran in with our wands out just as we heard a croon voice say. "Allah Kedavra!"  
It was……………………………….. Voldemort!**

Yeah, guess I spoke too soon. That's a regular keystroke mistake on the 'o', not a vowel substitution. Remember, 'oddly', the only time an 'i' is used in place of another vowel is on the 'e', contrary to the expectation given by the o's location on the keyboard. I'm not sure what a 'croon' voice is—is it singing?—but this is one mistake that cannot be excused by parody. Ethnic jokes are bad, Taraven!"

"'Taraven'? I like it; emphasizes the point we were making earlier about the possibility that 'Tara Gilesbie' is just a big hoax."

"It would make sense, wouldn't it? I wasn't actually looking at the profile when I first conceived the idea that Raven made Tara up, but looking at the name, it looks fake. 'Gillespie' is an accepted surname, but the replacement of the 'p' with a 'b' seems odd, and I actually did a double-take on the number of l's in her last name—just one. It seems very fake, and the ending of it evokes the word 'lesbian'—seeing as how everyone in this story seems to be bi, this is funny, although it might be even funnier if it was 'Galesbie'. Googling the last name reveals two things. One, the self-proclaimed 'world's largest collaborative online family tree' does not list a _single_ Gilesbie born in the last half-millennium. Two, a poster named inxblot on a Tara Gilesbie fansite has offered an alternative explanation for the name's source: _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_, which has a character with the first name Tara and a character with the last name Giles. _Buffy_ also has a character named Willow, which is the name of one of Ebony's friends in the story, the character who supposedly represents Raven. (Having never watched that show, I didn't know that there was a 'Tara' in the show, although I knew about Giles and may have considered it, and immediately thought of _Buffy_ when I first saw the name 'Willow' in the fic.) Inxblot also made note of the fact that Tara is the only notable 'Gilesbie' on Google. …Okay, there is _way_ too much in the 'Tara-verse'. Encyclopedia Dramatica has an entry on Tara Gilesbie, though they only briefly mention the possibility of it all being a parody and seem to think that the 'sekwel' really _was_ written by Tara, along with one other account that belongs to a 'Tara fan' that they believe to be Tara herself, even though they list multiple Tara fans' existences. Then again, the article may not take itself seriously, as it lampshades the fact that her spelling and grammar seems to have gotten worse since the initial publication of 'My Immortal' and also that she supposedly lives in Dubai, yet still goes to Hot Topic frequently. In spite of pointing out these inconsistencies, in the sentence, 'However, some people believe that she simply has a satirical sense of humor,' 'some people' is linked to their page on 'fag' and 'satirical sense of humor' is linked to 'bullshit'. In other words…they're a bunch of trolls and it was a disservice to even mention them. We've been carrying on long enough, though, so we'll have to chop this installment off here and pick it up at Chapter 14 next time."

"Only five chapters, huh? Ah, well, at least we've got a lot more of the speculation out of the way."

"Have we really? This could become quite the series, Cyber. We have to at least look into these knockoffs and such. While we're probably not going to dignify the sequel with a response, we've got to cover the Twilight-centric knockoff that may or may not be Tara (depends on who you ask. The discussion page of the TV Tropes Wiki, which is where I first found out about this fanfiction, seems to think not. Wait, that's the same 'inkblot', isn't it?! I wonder why she used an x on the Tara fan club site…maybe the normal one was already taken. We also probably have to take a look into the writing portfolio of Trista Gilesbie, Tara's younger sister (although Tara denies this, according to the canon), and of Raven, whose own profile says that that's not her real name. Interesting… A look at the original Tara's page shows that the profile was last updated in May of 2008. However, there is no 'last edited' date for Raven's profile, suggesting that it hadn't been changed since she first joined the site in 2005. If this is true, then we have proven that the sequel was _not_ written by Tara, as it memorializes Raven with the years '1992-2008' and Raven is labeled as 14 in the profile written in '05. However, it is possible that this is just failure on the site's part, and the profile _was_ updated in '06, the year of Raven's last known activity on the site. All told…Canon, or fanon, says that her birthday is October 31. Definitely sounds fake to me. Until next time!"


	3. Part 3

**Dissection of a Disaster**

a Cyberchao X production

Disclaimer: Names may resemble characters from _Harry Potter_, but the characters…really don't.

**WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD.**

"Presumably in contrast to the author excretion. Of course, that's assuming that this is really a bad fic, instead of just a pretend one."

"It _does_ seem a bit exaggerated."

"Not as exaggerated as her followers, Cyber. Not as exaggerated as her followers. Next, we have another horrible pun, which is par for the course. Next, we have this, from chapter 15:

**and then we started to kiss just like Hilary Duff (i fukin h8 dat bitch) and CMM in a Cinderella Story.**

Yeah…not very convincing. Another clue that this 'goth' might not really be all that gothic."

"Well, we _know_ that she's not 'goth': she's got goth confused with emo. It's a common mistake."

"Too common. So now the real question is if 'Tara' is a real _emo_ or not. Chapter 16 appears to be where, canonically, Tara and Raven had their falling-out. It's reflected in the story with a similar falling out between 'Enoby' and Willow. Also evident: Considerably worse spelling."

"You don't think maybe Raven really _was_ copy-editing the first fifteen chapters, do you?"

"Nah, this is all just a big hoax. Chapter 17:

**Well anyway Willow came.**

Negative continuity much?

**Draco was wearing black leather pants**

Invoking tropes now, are we?

**It was…….Vlodemort and da Death Deelers!**

"**U moronic idiots!" he shooted angstily. "Enoby, I told u to kill Vampire. Thou have failed. And now……….I shall kill thou and Draco!"**

"**No no please!" We begged sadly but he took out his knife.**

**Sudenly a gothic old man flu in on his broomstick. He had lung black hair and a looong black bread. He wus werring a blak robe dat sed 'avril lavigne' on da back. He shotted a spel and Vlodemort ran away. It was…………………………………DUMBLYDORE!**

So much is wrong with this. Let's focus on 'Death Dealers', the redundancy of 'moronic idiots', and the continued ellipsis overdose."

"Not even just ellipses; as often as not, the last couple are periods. It looks like she just held down the period key for randomly long lengths of time."

"Timing the pauses. Back when words were meant to be spoken and not read, punctuation was used as a sort of rhythm for performers' oration. Interesting… Chapter 18 has absolutely nothing of note except a 'geddit' after a complete non-pun."

"Hey, it's not her fault that the last name of the lead singer of her favorite band is an actual _word_. Chapter 19 has almost nothing of note except a lot of stupid spelling errors. One thing that _is_ notable is this:

**I whipped and whepped as my blody eyeliner streammed down my cheeks and made cool tears down my feces**

Wow. I'm not even sure what 'whipped and whepped' means, but the use of the word 'feces' here is surprisingly apropos. Perfect for the desired effect of a story that is complete shit. Now for Chapter 20.

**but sacredly I hopped inside dat it was Draco so we could do it again.**

Sacredly. I'm surprised at that one.

"**No, actshelly (geddit, hell) kan I plz burrow sum condemns." he growld angrily.**

The one decent 'goth' pun in this entire fic, and she goes and ruins it by 'geddit'-ing a lame and painfully forced pun in _THE SAME DAMN SENTENCE!!_"

"Calm down, Cyber. Also in this chapter, the first mention of 'Serious'. Next, in Chapter 21, we have the first mention of 'Fug' (Fudge—she messes up his first name many times as well), as well as a bizarre passage with _the janitor, Mr. Norris_, and his _cat_ Filch. Filch, of course, is the—janitor isn't exactly the right word, although it's probably not a bad equivalent, and _Mrs._ Norris is his cat. We'll finish up this entry with Chapter 22, because we need to quote this one verbatim. Again, commentary injected within.

**AN: stfu! prepz stup flaming ok if u dnot lik it fuk of I no itz mr. noris **(CCX: Okay, if you say so…)** itz raven's folt ok!11 u suk!1 no jus kidding raven u fokieng rok prepz suk!1**

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**All day everyone talked about the Misery of Magic. **(CC: Misery, indeed.)** Well anyway, I woke up the next day. I was in my coffin so I opened the door. I was wearing blak lacey leather pajamas. Then I gasped.**

**Standing in front of me where………………. B;loody Mary, Vampire, Diabolo, Draco, Dracula and Willow!**

**I opened my crimson eyes. **

CC: I love this "crimson eyes" thing.

CCX: _I_ just want to know why Willow's not dead anymore.

CC: It's because Tara and Raven aren't fighting anymore.

**Willow was wearing a tight black leather top with pictures of bloody roses all over it. Under that she wart a black poofy skirt wit lace on it and black gothic boots that was attached to the top. Vampire was wearing a baggy Simple Plan t-shirt and baggy black pants and Vans. Draco was wearing a black MCR t-shirt and blak jeans and a leather jacket. He looked just likee Gerard Way, and almost as fucking sexy. Vampire looked like Joel Madden. B'loody Mary was wearing a tight black poofy gothic dress that she had ripped so it showed of all her clearage with a white apron that said 'bich' and other swear words and MCR lyrics on it kind of like one dress I had seen Amy Lee wear once. Darkness (who is Jenny) was there too.**

CC: Who's Jenny?

CCX: Well, the spelling's different, but according to her profile, Raven's real name is Jennie.

CC: Geez. If she wanted to de-preppify her name, she could've just started going by Jen…

CCX: Nah, the "J" is still there. J is a preppy letter.

**She was weaving a ripped gothic black dress with ripped stuff all over it and a lace-up top thing and black pointy boots. So were Crab and Goyle. **(CC: Crab and Goyle were wearing ripped gothic black dresses, lace-up tops and black pointy boots?)** It turns out that Darkness, Diabolo, Crab and Goyle's dad was a vampire.**

CCX: I think I get it now. She meant "Ginny" when she said Jenny. Also, she seems to have confused Draco's two flunkies with the Weasley twins.

CC: Wow. Major.

**He committed suicide by slitting his wrists with a razor. He had raped them and stuff before too. They all got so depressed that they became goffik and converted to Stanism.**

CCX: She misspelled "Satan". If nothing else, she'd been pretty good about spelling Satan correctly throughout this story.

CC: She also uses "goffik" here. This is the word that has become iconic of this story and of Tara.

CCX: Well, yeah, because she's "goffik".

Both: _**Allegedly.**_

"**OMFG" I yielded as I jumped up. "Why the fuck are u all here?"**

"**Enoby something is really fucked up." Draco said.**

"**OK but I need to put my fucking clothes on first." I shouted angrily.**

"**It's all right. We have to go now and you look kawaii anyway. Your so fucking beautiful." Draco said in a sexy voice.** (CC: Why so much cursing?)

"**Oh all right." I said smiling. "But you have to tell me why your being all erective." **(CCX: Because he is turned on by your Mary Sue perfection.)

"**I will I will." he said.**

**So I just put on some black eyeliner, black lipstick and red eyeshadow and white foundation. Then I came. We all went outside the Great Hal **(CC: Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do…)** and looked in from a widow. **(CCX: Presumably because her husband slit his wrists.)** A fucking prep called Britney from Griffindoor was standing next to us. She was wearing a pink mini and a Hilary Duff t-shirt **(CCX: If she's fully dressed, how is she fucking?)** so we put up our middle fingers at her. Inside the Great Hall we could see Dumbledork. Cornelia Fudged was there shouting at Dumbledore. Doris Rumbridge was there too. **(CC: See: intentional puns.)

"**THIS CANNOT BE!" she shouted angrily. "THE SCHOOL MUST BE CLOSED!"**

"**THE BARK LORD IS PLANNING TO KILL THE STUDENTS!" yelled Cornelia Fudge. **(CCX: Woof.)

"**YOU ARE NOT FIT TO BE THE PRINCIPAL ANY LONGER!" yelled Rumbridge. "YOU ARE TOO OLD AND YOUR ALZHEIMERS IS DANGEROUS! YOU MUST RETRY OR VOLDEMORT WILL KILL YOUR STUDENTS!"**

CC: Retry what?

CCX: I think she means "retire".

"**Very well." Dumbledore said angrily. "Butt we cannot do this. We can't close the school. There is only one person who is capable of killing Voldemort and she is in the school. And her name is…………………………**(CC: That's ten…)**…………………………**(CC: Twenty…)**……………..**(CC: Twenty-five ellipses plus two periods.)** Enony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way." **(CCX: That's _Enoby…_I mean EBONY!)

**Draco, Crab, Goyle, Darkness, Willow, Vampire and B'loody Mary looked at each other………I gasped.**

CC: We finished?

CCX: With this installment, yeah.


	4. Part 4

**Dissection of a Disaster  
**a Cyberchao X production

Disclaimer: May contain _Potter-_like substance.

"With production on our other current project having hit somewhat of a snag, we're continuing this instead. It's easier."

"It's _easy_ doing these translations and interpretations? X, you're weird. Chapter 23 needs to be verbatim again:"

**AN: dhut da fok up biches!1 ur jus jelos koz I gut 10000 reviowz!1 fangz 2 raven 4 da help n telin me bout da boox gurlu rok letz go shopin 2getha!**

CCX: Translation: Shut the fuck up bitches! You're just jealous because I got 10,000 reviews. Thanks to Raven for the help and telling me about the books. Girl, you rock, lets go shopping together! Analysis?

CC: Well, it's very slangy—like those annoying tween brats. 10,000 reviews already is kind of scary. However, what's scarier is that apparently this had been based entirely off of the movies until this point.

CCX: She had to have known _something!_ This is in the "Books" section! Unless, of course, Raven has been doing this all along.

****

**The door opened and Proffesor Rumbridge and Cornelia Fudge stomped out angrily. Then Dumbledum and Rumbridge sawed **(saw)** us.**

"**MR. **(Ms.)** WAY WHAT THE BEEP ARE YOU DOING!" **(CCX: Not sure why there's an expletive here)** Rumbridge shouted angrily. Dumbledore blared **(glared)** at her.**

"**Oops she made a mistake!" he corrupted her. "She means hi everybody cum in!"**

CC: I know she meant corrected, but I like it better this way.

CCX: The fact that everyone is cumming in only makes it more risqué.

**Well we all came in angrily. **(CCX: ADVERB ABUSE!)** So did all the other students. I sat between Darkness and Draco and opposite B'loody Mary. Crab and Goyle started 2 make some morbid jokes. They both looked exactly like Ville Vollo. **(CC: Who?)** I eight **(CCX: Not. Even. Trying.) **some Count Chocula and drank som blood from a cup. Then I herd someone shooting **(shouting)** angrily. I looked behind me it was…Vampire! He and Draco were shooting at eachother.**

"**Vampire, Draco WTF?" I asked.**

"**You fucking bustard!" yelled Draco at Vampire. "I want to shit next to her!1"**

CC: As do we all. On her might be better, actually.

CCX: But I thought _Draco_ was the one who was fucking Ebony's bust! Remember chapter 4?

"**No I do!" shouted. **(CCX: Needs subject.)

"**No she doesn't fucking like u, you son of a bitch!" yelled Draco.**

"**No fuck you motherfucker she laves me not you!" shouted Vampire. And then… he jumped on Draco! (no not in dat way u perv) **(CC: You said it, not me.)** They started to fight and beat up each other.**

**Dumbldore yelled at them but they didn't stop. All of a sudden… a terrible man with red eyes and no nose flew in on his broomstick. He had no nose **(CCX: You just said that.)** and was wearing a gray robe. All the glass in the window he flew thru fell apart. Britney that fucking prep started to cry. Vampire and Draco stopped fighting….I shopped eating….Everyone gasped. Da room fell silent….Volzemort!**

"**Eboby…..Ebony…." Darth Valer **(CCX: That's Voldemort…I think.)** sed evilly in his raspy voice. "Thou havfe failed ur mission. Now I shall kill thou **(CC: Wrong word!)** and I shall kill Vampire as well. If thou does not kill him before then I shall kill Draco too!"**

"**Plz don't make me kill him plz!" I begged. **(CC: Textspeakfailure)

"**No!" he laughed crudely. "Kill him, or I shall kill him anyway!" Then he flew away cackling.**

**I bust into tears. Draco and Vampire came to contort me. Suddenly my eyes rolled up so they looked all cool and gothic. I had a vision were I saw some lighting flash **(CCX: We'll have to get Mr. Norris the janitor to fix that lighting.) **and then Voldremot coming to kill Draco while Draco slit his wrists in a depressed way. **(CC: As opposed to what?)

"**No!" I screamed sexily. **(CC: ADVERB RAPE! Adverbs are a tricky part of speech and are often left unused for long periods of time…but not here.)** Suddenly I locked **(looked)** up and stopped having the vision.**

"**Ebony Ebony aure you alright?" asked Draco in a worried voice.**

"**Yeah yeah." I said sadly as I got up.**

"**Everyfing's all right Enoby." said Vampire all sensetive.**

"**No its not!" I shouted angrily. Tearz of blood went down my face. "OMFG what if I'm getting possessed like in Da Ring 2!"**

"**Its ok gurl." said B'loody Mary. "Maybe u should ask Proffesor Sinister **(CCX: There actually is a Professor Sinistra in the books. However, in this fiction, Sinistra and Trelawney appear to be the same character.) **about what the visions mean though."**

"**Ok bich." I said sadly and den we went.**

"Sure enough, in the next chapter, 'Sinister' and 'Trevolry' are interchangeable. Very little is particularly notable, although the fact that Sinister is young and speaks in the same manner as Ebony and B'loody is jarring. She even calls Ebony a 'cunt' as a term of endearment. Then there's another replacement at the end:"

**We both followed Draco together and I was so exhibited.**

"Well, X, she has a point. She _has_ been somewhat of an exhibitionist throughout this story. Chapter 25 is short, but must be posted verbatim because it contains the most surreal line in the entire fanfiction."

**AN: stop flaming ok if u dnot den il tel Justin 2 bet u up!1111 n il tel al da nredz 2 put vrtuz in ur computer!11111111111 FUK UU!1 raven fangz for de help!1**

CCX: Put virtues in your computer?

CC: Viruses.

CCX: NOOOOOOOOO!

CC: It's okay, there are no viruses.

****

**I was so excited. I fellowed **(followed)** Draco wandering if we where going 2 do it again. We went outside and then we went into Draco's black car.**

"**Ebony what the fuck did Profesor Trevolry say." whispered Draco potting **(putting)** his gothic whit **(white)** hand with bvlak nail polish on mine.**

"**She said she would tell me what the visions meant torromow." **(CCX: Dyslexia much?)** I grumbled in a sexy voice. He took out a heroin cabaret and spiked it, and gave it to me to spork.**

CC: What…the…fuck?

CCX: O.O I have no clue. Let me give it my best guess… "He took out a heroin cigarette and spiked it, and gave it to me to smoke."

CC: No, doesn't make sense. For one thing, there's no such thing as a heroin cigarette—I don't think. For another, you shouldn't be able to spike a cigarette once it's already been rolled. "Spork" does look like "smoke", but it also looks like "snort" which would make more sense.

CCX: I'm still going with "cigarette", though. After all, the props used to represent heroin when it's used on television look an awful lot like those candy cigarettes. So, yeah, she's just ignorant. Or we're just ignorant. She's younger, though, so I'm assuming it's her.

**He started to fly the car into a tree. **(CCX: And survived the crash.)** We went to the top of it. Draco put on some MCR.**

"**And all the things that you never ever told me  
And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me." sang Gerard's sexy voice. We started tiling of each other's cloves fevently. (**CCX: That's taking off each other's clothes fervently. Or perhaps feverishly.)** He took of my blak thong and my black leather bar.**

CCX: Bra.

CC: We forgot to mention Draco's "black leather facet" last chapter.

CCX: It'll be back, don't worry.

**I took of his black boxers. Then… he put his trobbing you-know-what in my tool sexily.**

CCX: We're currently scanning urbandictionary for any sexual meaning for the word "tool" whatsoever. This is usually not hard as _everything_ on urbandictionary is sexual. However, there is nothing until late on the seventh page, and that still doesn't have anything with female anatomy. Please hold…

CC: Page 8 finally goes right out and gives it a vulgar meaning…again, referring to a penis. Mostly, though, the excessively long page is a barrage of insults. There are also references to a band, usually in a positive manner, but not always.

CCX: Page 12 gives a meaning involving something to smoke marijuana in. Maybe Ebony's tool is what she used to spork her heroin cabaret?

CC: Let's quote this one, from the end of page 22: "Loser. Dork. One who reads HP and listens to emo music. And spend the weekends alone or with their other tool friend(s)." That's…almost relevant to this story.

CCX: But still not to Ebony's anatomy. Hold on, page 23 out of 24 actually has something: "A Hunt word for 'knob' or 'twat', but often gets taxed by younger syblings and adopted for use in a more joking sense. This spins quite a few people out." Wow. 24 pages of definitions, and it takes 23 to find just one definition that seems to fit what Tara wants it to fit.

CC: Don't be so sure. Chapter 7 says that Ebony has a "boy's thingie".

CCX: This was bizarre…let's cut some of that discussion. (eliminates some of the less relevant ones)

"**OMFG Draco Draco!" I screamed having an orgism. We stated frenching passively. **(CCX: Arg. That's horrible…"started frenching passionately" is the correct phrase. "Passively" and "passionately" are polar opposites.) **Suddenly… I fell asleep. I started having a dream. In it a black guy was shooting two goffik men with long black hair.**

"**No! Please don't fucking kill us!1" they pleaded but he just kept shooting them. He ran away in a red car.**

"**No! Oh my fucking god!11" I shouted in a scared voice.**

"**Ebony what's wrong?" Draco asked me as I woke up opening my icy blue eyes. **(CC: I thought everyone in this story had red eyes!)

**I started to cry and tears of blood went down my face. **(CCX: See, _now_ they're red!)** I told Draco to call Vampire. He did it with his blak Likin Park mobile. Butt the worst thing was who the ppl who were shot in the dream where… Lucian and Serious!111**

"That was Lucius, right?"

"I think so. Chapter 26 is no better."

**AN: PREPZ STUP FLAMING SDA STRY OK!1 if u dnot lik da story den go fok urself u fokeng prep! U SUK!111 oh y and I wuznt beng rasist ok!11**

CC: Was that only just now referring to the "Allah" thing?

CCX: Probably.

****

**A few mutates later Vampire came 2 da tree. He was wearing a blak leather jackson, black leather pants and a Good Chralotte t-shirt.**

CCX: Sorry, it was "jackson" that will be used for jacket the rest of the way out; facet was a one-time thing. Mutates…how true.

"**Hi Vampire." I said flirtily as I started to sob. Draco hugged me sexily tryont **(trying)** to comfrot me. I started to cry tears of blood and then told them what happened.**

"**Oh fuck it!" Vampire shouted angrily. He4 started to cry sadly. **(CC: Paging the Department of Redundancy Department, please come to the front desk up front!)** "What fucking dick did that!"**

"**I don't know." I said. "Now come on we have 2 tell Dumbledor."**

**We ran out of the tree and in2 **(CC: Lame!)** da castle. Dumblydor was sitting in his office.**

"**Sire are **(Our)** dads have been shot!" Draco said while we wipped **(wiped)** sum tears from his white face. "Enoby had a vision in a dreem."**

**Dubleodre started to cockle. "Hahahaha! And How due u aspect me to know Ebony's not divisional?"**

CCX: Worst misspelling of Dumbledore yet. Cockle means cackle, aspect means expect, and divisional means delusional.

CC: It's funnier this way. And "believe" would make more sense than "know" there.

CCX: But she doesn't know that _or_ believe that.

**I glared at Dumbledore.**

"**Look motherfucker." he said angrily as Dumbeldore gasped (c is da toot of crakter).**

CC: What?

CCX: She said, "See, is that out of character?)

"**U know very well that I'm not decisional. **(CC: Nor divisional)** Now get some fucking ppl out there to look for Series and Lucian- pornto!" **(CCX: And _she_ would know about porn-to.)

"**Okay." he said in a intimated **(intimidated)** voice. "Were **(where)** are they?"**

**I fought **(thought)** about it. Then all of a sudden….. "Longdon." **(CC: If you're going to do the lame pun, put the g at the end of _both_ syllables!)** I said. I told him which street. He went and called some people and did some stuff. After a few mistunes **(CCX: That's a word?)** he came back and said people were going out looking for them. After a while someone called him again. He said that they had been found. Draco, Vampire and I all left to our rooms together. I went with Draco to wait in the nurses office while Vampire went to slit his wrists in his room. We looked at each other's gothic, derperessed** (CC: Derp.)** eyes. Then, we kissed. Suddenly Serious and Lucian came in on stretchers….and Proffesor Sinister was behind them!1**

"Now, 27. We'll leave out the A/N."

**Every1 in the room stated to cry happly- I had saved them. Drako, Lucian, Serious bond **(CCX: And. CC: How do you screw up "and"?)** Vampire all came to hug me. The nurse started to give them medicine.**

"**Cum on Enoby." **(CCX: You don't need to tell them again; everyone's been doing it all story long.)** said Proffesor Sinatra. **(CC: Fly me to the moon, and let me play under the stars…)** She was wearing a gothic blak leader **(leather)** dress with a corset top and real vampir blood on it and fuking black platinum boots. **(CCX: That takes foot fetishes to new heights…)** "I have to tell you the fucking perdition." **(CC: The word she means to use is "prediction". The word she _should_ be using is "prophecy".

**I locked at Lucian, Serifs, Drake and Vampire. They nodded.**

**I smelled **(smiled, although she shouldn't because _she's a goth_)** happily and went into a dark room. I had changed **(CC: Abandoned sentence)** Profesor Sinister took out some black cards. She started to look into a black crucible **(crystal)** ball. She said… "Tara, **(Both: THAT'S _ENOBY!_)** I see drak times are near." She said badly. **(CCX: Two redundancies here—saying "she said" again and using the adverb badly, which pretty much describes most of this fic.)** She peered into da balls. "You see, you must go back in time." She took out a Time-Toner **(CC: For ripped and timely abs!)** like B'loody Mary had. "When Voldemint **(CCX: Mmm. Minty.)** was in Hogwarts before he became powerful he gut his hearth borken. **(CC: The more generous people cite this as the place where the last remaining semblance of a plot departed.)** Now do you fink he would still become Volxemort if he was in love?" I shook my head. "U must go back in time and sedouce him. It is the only way. If he is still evil then you must kill him. You can come to my room tomorrow and you can do it."**

"**Okay." I said sadly. We did dethz tuch sin. **(CCX: I think it's "death's touch sign".)** I went outside again sadly.**

"**What fucking happened?" asked Draco and Vampire.**

"**Yeah what happened?" asked Darkness, Willow and Boldy Mary?**

**I was about to tell them butt every1 was there. They were celebrating Lucian and Sirius being fond.**

CC: That's a mistake. She was supposed to be misspelling it every single time.

CCX: Yeah, I know. This ruins my best argument!

CC: Well, we can always wonder what he and Lucian are fond of.

**Everyone was proud of me butt **(CC: Immature.)** I jut wonted 2 talk 2 Draco. They were cheesing **(CCX: Uh…chasing?)** my name and some reporters were there, trying to interview Dumblydore. A banner was put up. Lotz of fucking prepz were there oviously tring 2 be b goffik wering the HIM sign on their handz- depite them not having akshelly heard of him. Even Mr. Noris looked happy. A blak and red cake had been brought out. Crabbe and Goyke set up some fireworx in the shape of skulls from Wesley's Whizard Wises.**

**I put on my Invisibility coke with Vampire and Draco and we sneaked outside 2gether.**

"X?"

"Yes, Cyber?"

"Can an Invisibility coke be sporked?"

"I don't know, Cyber. I don't know."


	5. Part 5

**Dissection of a Disaster**  
a Cyberchao X production

Disclaimer: If this site hasn't done anything about the original fic, they have no rights to do anything about this one. Oh, right, and the characters are kind of based on copyrighted characters. Kind of.

"Well, it turns out that 'My Immortal' isn't gone for good, just moved to the new account. Which is weird, because the 'new Tara' has actually _admitted_ that she's not the real Tara Gilesbie, or rather the original Tara Gilesbie, as 'the real Tara Gilesbie' has not yet been proven to exist. Therefore, we shall continue with this analysis—and a big thanks to faux Tara for reposting it after it got deleted from original Tara's account."

"With added prologue reaffirming the fact that Raven's dead. Of course, the original was posted before she admitted to not being the real thing, so that could still have been part of the 'guise'. X, should we really be doing this after having two of our one-shots deleted?"

"Ah, yes, that. Good question. Here's another—since the third of those songfics said it was the end of a trilogy of songfics and the second also said it was a sequel, why did those two get deleted and the first one didn't? Although they never go out and state that songfic was the problem, that seems to be the only problem present. And, yeah, in their 'reasons given', it just so happens that script format, real person, chat/interactive, and MST are all lumped together, but as we've mentioned before, we're not a MST, and besides, everyone is interactive to some degree. To delete two, they must have taken note of me, and so I'm going to assume that they found no problems with this—probably because they realize that My Immortal's sole purpose for existing is to be mocked. And besides, we're being scholarly."

"Yeah…scholarly… Anyway, chapter 28 lets up a bit, although it still has too many adverbs. However, she really screws up the name of one of her so-called favorite artists, calling him 'Marlin Mason'. Humorously, 'stockings' is rendered as 'suckings', and 'alabaster' as 'albastard'. Then there's the part where she says that Draco is 'hung like a stallone', and of course, in the continuing tradition of only applying censorship in the most inopportune of times, has him put his spock in her you-know-what."

"Interesting terminology, but at least everyone seems to be naked this time. Chapter 29 is not so lucky, so we'll reprint and translate it."

"**Oh my satan!1" we screamed as we jamped out of da coffin. Snap and Professor McGoonagle started to shoot **(shout)** at us angrily.**

"**CUM NOW!1!" **(CCX: I think they already were.)** Preacher McGongel yielded. We did guiltily. We left the room putting on our clothes. Snoop garbed the caramel **(CC: Mmm…caramel. CCX: She means "camera".)** and put it in his pocket.**

"**Hey what the fuck!111" Vampire shooted angrily.**

"**Yeah buster what the fuck are u going to do with the fucking camera?" Draco demonded all protective, looking at me Longley with his gothic red eyes. "Look, Dumblehor noes your little secret and if u do dis again, then u will go to St Mango's. So give back da camera!1111"**

**Hahahaha the Mystery **(Minister)** of Mogic thinks he is crazy there is no way dey wil believe him. Snoop laughed meanly.**

"**Yes so shut your mputh you inlosent fools!" yelled Proffesor McGoggle. She made us cum into a weird room with white stones all around it. There were all these werid tools in it. Draco started to cry all sexy and sexitive. **(A/N too stupid to reprint)

**I started to cry tearz of blood (it hapnz in vrampir kroniklz raven sed so ok so fok u!1). **

"Ah, well, that makes it all okay then, doesn't it?"

**Vampire took out a black honkerchief and started to wipe my red eyes.**

**And then……………….. he and Snoop both took out guns using magic. They started to shoot each other angrily. Non of the ballots gut on eachodder yet. I took out my wand.**

"So now 'shoot' really does mean 'shoot'?"

"Yep. They're shooting ballots. Maybe that's what messed up the 2000 presidential election."

"**Crosio!" I shouted. Snap stated 2 scram he dropd da gun. But it was too late. Both of them had run out of ballets. **(A goth ballet. Who'd have thought?)** I STOPPED DA CURSE. Profesor McGoogle did a spell so that we were all chained up. She took out a box of tools. Den she said "OK Serverus I'm going 2 go now." She left. Snap started to laugh evilly. Vampire started to cry.**

"**It's ok Enoby." said Draco. "Evergreen **(everything)** will be all right. Remember the cideo u took of Snake."**

**Snape laughed again. And then...he took out some whips!1!1111**

"Well, Cyber, at least she only used one ellipsis. Be thankful for that. Unfortunately, we have to go full length again on chapter 30."

"**No!11" we screamed sadly. Snap stated loafing meanly. **(no clue)** He took out a kamera anvilly. **(evilly)** Then…………………… he came tords Darko!1! He took sum stones out of his poket. He put da stones around Draco and nit **(lit)** a candle.**

"**What the fuck r u doing!" I shooted arngrily. Snoop laughed meanly. He polled down his pants. I gasped- there was a Dork Mark on his you-know-wut!11!**

"Okay, that's just sick. Is nothing sacred?"

**He waved his wand and a nife came. He gave da knife 2 me.**

"**U must stab Vrompire." he said to me. "If u don't then I'll rap Draco!1"**

"I don't even want to know…"

"**No you fucking bastrad!1" I yielded.**

"Yelled."

"Only just figure that out now?"

"Yep."

**But den Draco looked at me sadly with his evil goffik red eyes dat looked so depressant and sexy. He lookd exactly like a pentragram (lol geddit koz im a satanist) between Kurt Cobain and Gerard. But then I looked at Vampire and he looked so smexy too wif his goffik black hair. I thought of da time when we screwed and the time I did it with Draco and Dumblydore came and the tame where Draco almost commited suicide and Vampire wuz so sportive. **(Please, just end it now!)

**Snipe laughed angrily. He started to prey to Volxemort. He started to do an incapacitation **(incantation)** dancing around the stokes **(no idea)** whipping Draco and Vampire. Suddenly an idea I had. **(Hello, Yoda!)** I clozd my eyes and using my vampire powers I sent a telepathetic massage**

"It certainly is pathetic, isn't it?"

"I want a telepathetic massage too, X!"

**to Drako and Vampire so they would destruct **(distract)** Snape.**

"**Dumbeldork will get u!" Draco shooted.**

"**Yah just wait ubtil da Mystery **(Ministry)** find out!11" Vampire yelled. Meanwhile I took out my wand.**

"**You ridiculus dondderhed!111" Snoop yielded. He took off all of Drico's clothes. Just as he was about to rape him…………………….**

"…the period key on Tara's computer got stuck! Love the insult, by the way."

"**Crosio!" I shited **(shouted)** pointing my wound.**

"I'd rather she point her womb. At least if it was her, it'd make sense."

"Nothing makes sense here, CC."

**Snoop scremed and started running around da room screming. Meanwhile I grabed my blak mobile and sent a txt 2 Serious. I stopped doing crucio.**

"I didn't know you could text and cast spells at the same time!"

"Enoby's just that talented."

"**You dunderhed!111 Im going to kill-" shooted Snape but suddenly Serverus came. **(Man, is she confused.)

**Snake put the whip behind his bak. "Oh hello Sev I wuz just teaching them sumthing." he lied. But suddenly Lusian and Profesor Trevolry came in2 da room and they and Serious unlocked the chains and put dem around Snap. Then Profesor Trevolry said 'Come on Ebony let's go."**

"Chapter 31 is better—good enough that we don't have to reprint it in block. The opening A/N:

**AN: I sed shut da fok up u quiephs!**

Yep, she's found a new insult! Next…

"**I always knew u were on Voldemort's side, you sun of a bitca (bufy rox!111)." Serious said 2 Snape.**

I don't understand why this little AN was inserted, but it supports inkblot's theory about the origins of Tara's pseudonym. From there, we have Veritaserum being called Voldemortserum (misspelled, of course). After that, more clothes porn:

"**U will c." she said. I opened thee bag. In it was a sexy tite low-smut black leather gothic dress. It had red korset stuff and there was a silt up da leg. I put it on. My frendz helped me put on blak fishnetz and blak pointy boots Willow had chosen. Willow and Darkness helped me put on black eyeliner and blod-red lipshtick.**

Somehow, I doubt that a tight black leather dress can be 'low-smut'. I don't think she even knows what a corset _is_, and having silt up the leg can't be comfortable. Also, why does she need help putting on her stockings and boots? And wouldn't the silt just fall out of the fishnets? This shtick is getting old."

"Well said. She then mistakenly refers to Tom Riddle as Tom Bombodil, which, though misspelled, is a character from _Lord of the Rings_—but only from the books, which is odd because Tara doesn't seem to be very literate."

"Elaborate hoax, remember?"

"Oh yeah…Chapter 32, anachronisms begin. She references a band that didn't even exist and then breaks out one of her patented 'geddit's. I think she really hates most of those bands. And, of course, Tom 'Satan' Riddle has author-level knowledge, knowing everything that happens up until Ebony's time period."

"Yes, although this is a doozy:

"**guess what they have a concert in hogsment." satan whispered.**

"**hogsment?" I asked.**

"**yeah that's what they used to call it in these time before it became Hogsmeade in 2000." he told me all sekrtivly. "and theres a really cool shop called Hot-"**

'**topic!" I finshed, happy again.**

**He froned confusedly. "noo its called Hot Ishoo." He smiled skrtvli again. "then in 1998 dey changd it to hot topic." he moaned.**

Let's see here…besides the complete obliteration of vowels in 'secretively', we have that bit about 'Hogsment' becoming 'Hogsmeade' in 2000. The first book that mentions Hogsmeade, _Prisoner of Azkaban_, was released in 1999, and in _Deathly Hallows_, the dates on the gravestones reveal that _Harry_ was born in 1980, which really ruins this whole bit with it being the eighties in this whole past thing—which, even assuming that the present was our present, really should still be happening in like the fifties or something."

"Oh, forget it; we know she doesn't care! She SMELLS HAPPili! Behold…"

"**OMFG NO I SCEAMED AS I FEEL DOWN. everyone looked At ME weirdly."**

"Yes, she narrates her own life. Then Professor Trevolry/Sinister gets addicted to Voldemortserum and cries black tears of depression, and we move onward to chapter 33…"

**AN: I sed shut up itz nut my folt ok if u don't lik da story den ur a prep so fuk u flamerz!1111 ps im nut updating ubtil u giv me fiv god reviewz nd diz tim I men it!111111 U SUK!1111 fangz raven 4 di help il promiz to help u wif ur story lolz1**

'She said, "I said shut up, it's not my fault, okay? If you don't like the story, then you're a prep, so fuck you, flamers! P.S. I'm not updating until you give me five good reviews, and this time I mean it! YOU SUCK! Thanks, Raven, for the help. I promise to help you with your story." Then she laughed. Plurally."

**XXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"**Oh my fuking god!1" **(What happened to Satan?)** I shooted sadly. "Shud we get u 2 St Manga's, bitch?" **(Hooray, manga!)

"**Hel no!" she said. "Lizzen **(listen)** Egogy, I need ur help. Nex tim u go bak in tim, do u fink u kod ask Tom Andorson **(Riddle)** 4 sum help?"**

"**Sure**[,"]** I said sadly. I went outside the door. Draco was there!111 He wuz wearing a big blak GC tshit which wuz his panamas.**

"There's more than one Panama?"

"Must be; 'panamas' doesn't register on our spellchecker as a misspelled word."

"**Hey Sexxy." I said.**

"**How'd it go Enoby?" he asked in his voice was so sexy and low kind of like Gerard Way when hes talking.**

"**Fine." I reponded. We stared **(started)** 2 go bak in2 da dorm.**

"**How far did u go wif Satan?" Drako asked jealously.**

"**Not 2 far, lol." I borked.**

"Interestingly, one Troper recommends using a patch called 'Bork Bork Bork' to read this story. And even more interestingly, two 'Borks' in a row does not set off the 'repeated word' filter."

"And one 'Bork' is not a misspelled word, though 'Borks' and 'borked' are. Tara's actually expanding our vocabulary!"

"**Will you hav to do it with him?" Draco asked angstily.**

"**I hop not 2 far!111" I shouted angrily. Den I felt bad 4 shooting at him. I said sorry. We frenched.**

"**What happened 2 Snipe?" I growled.**

"**U will see." Draco giggled mistressly. **(Adulterer!)** He opened a door……………Snap nd Lumpkin werz there!11 Serious waz pokering **(poking?)** dem by staging **(stabbing)** dem wif a blak nife.**

"**NOOOO PLZ!1111" Lumpkin bagged **(begged)** as Serious started 2 suk his blood. I laffed statistically.**

"Hysterically. Geez, that's not even close!"

"I think it might be 'sadistically'."

"Oh."

**I tok some photons of him and Snap bing torqued. **(tortured)** (ok I no dis iz men but fink abot it ppl dey r pedoz nd Snap trid 2 rap dem and neway sadiztz rok haz any1 seen shrak atak 3 lolz).**

"Well, at least she's honest about it being mean, even if her character is a sadist…"

"Hey, sadism can be kind of kinky, or so I've heard…"

"Ah, yes, we wrote an S&M lemon once, didn't we?"

**We took sum of Snipe's blod den Drako and I went bak 2 our roomz. We sat on my goffik blak coffin. My cloves **(clothes)** were kinda drity so I pot **(put)** on a blak leather outfit fingie kinda like da 1 Suelene haz in Undreworld. (if u haven't herd of it den FUK U!111) . **(Consider us fucked.)** I put on some blak platform high heelz. Darko put on 'desolition liverz' by MCR. **(Not sure.) **Den………………………………………….we storted 2 take of each**[ ]**otherz clozez.** (THEN WHY THE HELL DID YOU EVEN BOTHER GETTING DRESSED?!)** I tok of his shit **(CCX: Shirt. CC: Don't be so sure.)** nd he had a six-pak, lolz. We started 2 mak out lik in Da Grudge. He pot his wetnes in my u-know-what sexily. I gut an orgy.**

"I don't think I've ever heard of a _male_ organ being referred to as a 'wetness.' Ah, well, at least we know why she got dressed—she can't have sex naked, remember?"

"She got an orgy. With just Draco? He must be one hell of a good lover."

"She used 'orgy' as an abbreviation for 'orgasm'. Funny how that works out…"

"**Oh Draco!111111!1 Oh mi fuking gud Draco!1111" I screemed passively as he got an eructation. **(I checked the dictionary. "Eructation" is a fancy word for belching.

"**I luv u TaEbory." he whispred sexily and den we fel aspleep lol.**

"More 'lol's, and Draco almost slipped up and called Tara by her real name! And so we finish part five. Join us again next time, assuming we haven't gotten our asses handed to us by the admins by then. See ya!"


	6. Part 6

Dissection of a Disaster  
a Cyberchao X production

Disclaimer: Some of these characters are loosely based on characters from a copyrighted book series. "My Immortal" has been sporked so many times that it's probably as good as public domain by now.

"So why are we going back to this after so long, X?"

"Because we need to do penance, and the vanity that comes from having the lists of story stats prevents us from ever deleting anything—even though, due to the incident related at the beginning of the previous chapter, the lists are already probably slightly messed up. Unfortunately, the relevant part of this story already passed."

"Relevant part of this story?"

"Head back to part 2. I didn't realize that the revelation hadn't come yet when we were writing this, since I thought that reading My Immortal _was_ what helped me realize the truth."

"About?"

"Linkin Park. The only 'flame' I ever sent in the direction of My Immortal was in the chapter where they were mentioned, due to being outraged that Linkin Park was being lumped in with those 'goff' (aka emo) losers. In reality? LP's probably the most emo of them all. Why did we ever think that 'A Place for My Head' was a good idea?"

"Don't know. Let's get back to the story."

**I wook** (woke)** up in da coffin de next day. Draco waz gone. I got up and put on a blak tight sexah drsss that was all ripped at da end. There wuz red korset stuff going up da fornt and da bak and it came up 2 my knees.**

CCX: Again with the red corset stuff.

CC: Is it the corset stuff that's coming to her knees, or the dress?

CCX: Don't you mean "drsss"? And it's coming up, not down.

**There wuz a slit in da dress lik in mr & mr simth. I pot on ripped blak fishnets and blak stilton bo-ots. Suddenly…. Sorious cocked on da door. I hopened it.**

CCX: This fic is on pot.

CC: And on stilts, apparently. Why do you hyphenate a monosyllabic word?

CCX: I don't know, but there is an advantage to having waited so long to finish this.

CC: What's that?

CCX: Beer.

CC: Of course.

**I had wanted to fuk Draco or maybe lessen to MCR or Evonezcence. I came anyway.**

"Of course she came. She's _always _coming! Though I wonder how listening to her favorite bands and fucking Draco can be so even in her eyes…"

**"So what the fuck happened 2 Snipe and Loopin?" I asked Sorious flirtily.**

**"I fucking tortured them." he answered in a statistic **(CCX: One death is a murder; two are a statistic.)** way. "They r in Abkhazian now, lol." **(CC: Again with the saying textspeak. CCX: Lots of people do that, unfortunately.)

**I laughed evilly.**

**"Where r Draco and Vampira?" I muttered.**

**"Dey are xcused form skool 2day." Sodomize** (CCX: Don't you mean Sorious?) **moaned sexily. "Rite now they are watching Da Nigtmare b4 Xmas."**

**We went into da office. Proffesor Sinister was there. She was wearing a goffik blak dress that was all ripped all over it kinda lik da one Amy Lee wears in this pic**

**( http/ She wuz drinking some Volximortserum.**

CC: And so another person is laid low by this site's refusal to allow anything remotely web-related onto its website."

**She took out da Pensiv and the time-torner.**

**"Enoby, you will have to do anozzer **(nice accent)** session now. Also I need u to get me da cure 4 being adikited." she said sadly. "Good luck. Fangz!"**

**And then….I jumped into the Prinsive again. Suddenly I looked around…I was in da Grate Hall eating Count Chorcula. It was mourning. I was sitting next to Satan. On a table was a tall gottik man wif long blak hair, pail skin and blue eyes wering a suit and blak Cronvrese shoes. He looked just like Charlyn Manson. I noticed…he was drinking a portent.**

CC: Why? Why must you mangle so many names?

CCX: She got Marilyn Manson's name wrong again.

CC: When did "goffik" become "gottik"?

CCX: I have no idea.

**"Whose he!11" I asked.**

**"Oh, datz Profesor Slutborn." Satan said. "He's da Portents teacher…..Ebony?"**

CCX: He's Ebony's son?

CC: That's _Enoby!_

CCX: Right, Enoby.

**"Yah?" I asked.**

**"Did u know dat Marylin Mason is playing in Hogsemade tonight? And they r showing The Exercise at da movies b4 dat."**

**"Yah?"**

**"Well…...want 2 go 2 da contort and da movie wif me?"**

CCX: Messed up Marilyn Manson again. Why does this chapter end so suddenly?

CC: Since when have we ever had a problem with chapters suddenly ending, X?

CCX: …Oh yeah.

CC: She's going to go contort and then go see The Exercise. Sounds like an active night.

**Chapter 35. gost of u**

CC: Since when do these chapters have names?

CCX: Since shut up.

**I went in2 da Conmen Room finking of Satan. Suddenly I gasped…..Draco wuz there!111**

**I grasped. He locked as hut as eva werring blak ledder pants, a blak Lonken Prak t-shrit and blak eyeliner.**

CCX: There. There's our penance.

CC: No, that's Lonken Prak. Blak blak blak blak blak blak blak blak.

**"Draco what da fuk r u dong!111111" I gosped.**

CC: No, he's not a dong. At least I don't think he is.

CCX: Wait another paragraph.

**"Huh?" he asked. Then I remembred. It wuzn't Draco. It was Lucan!1 He stil had two arms.**

**"Oh hi Lucian!1" I sed. "Im Ebony the new student lol we shook handz."**

CC: I stand corrected. He is a dong.

**"Yah Satan told me abot you." Lusian said. He pinted to a groop of sexxxy gottik guyz. They where siting in a corner kutting. It wuz Serious, Vampire's dad and…Snap! All of them were wearing blak eyeliner and blak Good Chralootte band shirts. "Lizzen I'm in a goth band wif those guys." he said. "Were playing 2nite at da Marylin Mason show as back-up.**

CC: I thought she admitted a few chapters ago that those bands didn't exist in the past.

CCX: There isn't enough beer in the world to make this fic readable.

**"ORLY." **(YA, RLY)** I ESKED.**

**"Yeah." he said. "Were calld XBlakXTearX. I play teh gutter.**

CCX: So you admit this band is trash.

**Spartacus plays da drums" he said ponting to him.**

CC: No, _I_ am Spartacus!

**"Snap plays the boss.** (Whose boss?)** And Jamez plays the guitar to even fo **(though) **we call him Samaro, after Samara in da ring."**

CC: Also an anachronism.

CCX: Yeah, we've given up on things being chronologically sound.

**Yeah said everyone. So the guys tok out der guitarz. They began to pay a song bi (geddit koz bi guyz r sooo sexah!11) **(CCX: Will you shut the fuck up? It's a two-letter word and you're trying to make puns.)** Gurn Day.**

**"I wok dis empt stret on da bolevrad of broken dremz." **(CC: Even if this band existed then, which it doesn't either, that song is far more recent. CCX: Doesn't matter; as far as they have to know it could be something she made up herself. CC: Oh yeah…)** I sang sexily (I dnot own da lyrikz 2 dat song).. Every1 gasped.**

**"Enopby? Will u join da band? Plz!1" begged Lucian, Samoro, Serious and Snap.**

"'Enopby'?"

"Yeah, that's not the first time I've wondered if there haven't been even more additions made by the people reposting this fic. Time to go off of direct quotes. Chapter 35 ends with Marty McFly showing up (misspelled, of course) and taking Enoby back to the…present."

**"Oh hey there bitch." Profesor Trevolry said in an emo voice dirnking some Volxemortserom.**

CC: I hate you so much right now. We can't pretend not to be MSTing this thing any longer. How can you have an emo voice?

CCX: It's easy. Just complain about everything in a dull, depressed monotone.

**Hi fuker." I said. "Lizzen, Satan asked me out to a gottik cornet**

CC: I don't think they use many cornets in goth music.

CCX: Are you sure we aren't dealing with a chocolate cornet?

CC: Doubtful. And where was the opening quotation marks for that sentence?

**and a movie so I need a sexah new outfit for da date. Also I'm playng in a gothic band so I need an ootfit for that too."**

CC: She did it again.

CCX: What, the 'ootfit'?

CC: No, the lack of opening quotation marks.

CCX: No she didn't. _We_ broke the quotation up.

CC: …Oh. Sorry.

**"Yah we need sum portions** (portions of what?)** for Profesor Trevolry so she wont be adikted 2 Volxemortserum anymore nd also….sum luv potion 4 Enoby." Darko said resultantly.**

CC: "Resultantly"?

CCX: I dunno, maybe "reluctantly"? Although it's not showing up as a misspelled word.

CC: …Seriously?

CCX: No, Snaply.

CC: …You're an ass.

**"Well we have potions klass now." Willow said so let's go.**

"Yes, let's."

**We went sexily to Potionz class.**

CCX: Sorry, _three_ways to do something in this fic. Angrily, sadly, and sexily.

**But Snap wasn't there. Instead there was…Cornelio Fuck!11111**

CCX: You're supposed to do a couple of ones near the end, not a single exclamation point followed by the rest being ones! Bad form.

CC: I'm just glad he's not _Cornholio_ Fuck.

**"Hey where the fuck is Dumblydore!111" Draco shouted angrily.**

CC: I thought it was supposed to be Snap who was supposed to be there.

CCX: It _was_. Even though he's in Azkhabian.

**"STFU!1" shooted Cornelia Fuck. **(CCX: And then Fuck was a woman.)** "He is in Azkhabian now wif Snip and Loopin he is old and week he has kancer. "Now do ur work!111"**

CCX: Hey. I found those quotation marks you were looking for.

**My friendz and I talked arngrily.**

"Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!"

**"Can you BELEVE Snap used to be gottik!1" Vampire asked surprisedly.**

"Uh…"

**"DATZ IT!11" CORNELIO FUK SHOOTED ARNGRILY. "IM GETTING PROFESOR BRIDGE!111"**

CCX: Of course. What would a troll be without a bridge?

**He stomped out angrily.**

**Mi frendz and I began talking again. I began to drink some blod mixed wif beer.**

Both: This is a completely unacceptable use of beer!

**Suddenly I saw Hargrid in da cupboard.**

**"WTF is he doing?" I asked. Then I looked at Draco. He wuz wearing tonz of eyeliner nd he locked shexier den eva. **(CCX: Random description out of nowhere.)** Suddenly…"HARGRIF WUT DA FOK R U DOING!11" he shooted.**

**I looked around….Hairgrid wuz putting sumfing in my glass of blod!11**

CC: From all the way over in the cupboard?

**Darko and Vampire started 2 beat him up sexily.**

CCX: Okay, "sexily" is the _only_ true way to do things in this story.

CC: No, there's also plenty of anger.

CCX: Sexy anger.

CC: …Sexy anger.

**"God u r such a posr!1" I shooted at Hairgrid. Suddenly I looked ar what he was putting in da blood. It was…Amnesia Portion!111**

CC: Could you pass some of that our way?

**Chapter 37.**

CC: Random period.

CCX: Probably one of the ones that's missing from somewhere else in this fic.

**AN: OK EVRYBODY IM GONG ON VOCATION ON DA FRIST OF JULY SO IM EEDER GONNA END DA FIK OR UPDAT IT IN WEEX. fangz!1 oh yah nd prepz stop flaming sa story!11 raven fangz 4 da help c ya gurl afta vocation!11**

CC: She's getting a job?

CCX: She _wishes_ she could get a job.

CC: …Job as in work, or job as in blow/hand job?

CCX: Both, probably.

**DARKO'S PONT OF VIEW LOL**

CCX: Why are you laughing? Anyway, this next part's not worth quoting. Suffice it to say, Ebony is called "Tata", and then…suddenly, we _do_ have to quote.

**Draco, Ebory and I went to Profesor Siniater's room.**

CC: Wait, whose point of view is it again?

**But Profesor Sinister wasn't there. Instead Tom Rid was.**

**Oh hi fuckers he said. Lizzen, I got u sum kewl new clovez.**

CC: You lost the quotation marks completely.

**I took out da cloves from da bag. It was a goffik blak leather miniskirt that said '666' on da bak, black stilton bootz, blood red fishnetz and a blak corset.**

**"OMG fangz!" I said hugging him in a gothic way. I took da clothes in da bag.**

CCX: Well, it seems to be back to Ebory's. Ebony's. Enoby's.

CC: What's a gothic way of hugging someone?

CCX: I don't know.

**"OK Profesor Sinister isnt hr what the fuk should we do?" asked Draco. Suddenly he loked at a sign on da blak wall.**

**"Oh my fuking satan!1" I screamed as I read it. On it said Evry1 Profesor Sinister is away. She is too gottik she is in Azkhabian now. Classes shal be taught by Dubledork who is bak but he shall not be principal 4 now. Sincerely Profesor Rumbridge.**

CCX: It's now official. "Gottik" is the new "goffik".

CC: I blame the reposting.

**"WHAT DA HELL R U DONG IN MY OFICE!1" he began to shoot angrily. Sudwenly I saw Morty Mcfly's blak tim machine!111 I jumped seductivly in2 **(CCX: _Why_ are you being seductive?)** it leaving Draco and Vampire. Sudenly I wuz back in tim!11 I looked around. It was…Profesor Slutborn's efface! **(office)** I sneaked around. Suddenly I saw da Amnesia potion on his desk. It wuz blak wif blood-red pentagramz in it. It was the shape of a cross. **(CC: I thought she wasn't going to write that word, ever. CCX: She realized that real goths _love_ crosses, I guess.)** I put it in my poket. Suddenly da door opened it wuz…..Profesor Slutgorn!11**

CCX: "Gorn" is right. Can we go all gorn on this slut?

**OMG wut r u doing fuker he shooted angrily I don't kno wut da fuk r u DOING I SHOUTED ANGRILY.**

CCX: See, I told you we'd need that period later.

CC: I can't read that.

**"Oh sorry I wuz just looking around koz I thought it wuz class." you said finally hoping he couldn't c da potion in ur pocket.**

CC: She actually put it into _second_ person. Why the fuck did she put it into second person?

**"Oh ok u can go now." said Profesor Slutborn.**

**You went to the conmen room after putting on my clothes.**

CC: Wait, she was naked?

CCX: Nah, I think she just changed.

**Silas, Samaro and Snap were there practicing Vampirez will Never Hurt U by MCR.**

CCX: …_Silas?_

CC: She acknowledged that MCR didn't exist yet in this era. _She fucking __**acknowledged**__ that MCR didn't exist yet in this era, _and then she put them in there anyway.

**"Oh hi you guys." I said seductively. "Wheres Satan?"**

**"Oh he's cumming." **(CCX: I'll bet he is. But wasn't Satan one of the modern-era characters?)** said Serious. "BTW u can kall me Hades now." Suddenly Satan came. He was wearing a smexxy blak leather Jackson, blak congres **(CCX: Converse. CC: I think I like Congress better.)** shoes, a Slipnot t-shirt and a blak tie.**

**"Ok I will see you guyz at da concert." I said and then I went with Satan.**

"Please, no more of this."

"Okay, time to take a break. And an aspirin."


	7. Part 7

Dissection of a Disaster  
a Cyberchao X production

Disclaimer: Vaguely Potterlike substance inside.

"…So have we officially sold out for readers?"

"…I think so. I still plan to continue on with another current project very soon, too, but this is easier to crank out and might actually provide a larger spike."

"Assuming it doesn't just get lost in the sauce, considering the volume of work in this fandom."

"True, there's that possibility. Right to work, then."

**Chapter 38.**

**Publisher's Note: I know, I know, 10 minutes late. Well, this chapter might be considered M, but if you've read this far, you can handle it.**

**Olivia**

**AN: wut doez every1 fink if I end da strory and den I add sum more 2 it after vocation? oh yah asnd prepz stup flaming if u dnot lik dat story den take muh quiz ok den u wil c if ur gofik or not!1111111**

CCX: I forget, what was the rating on the original _My Immortal_? I thought it _was_ M; that's why we made this M.

CC: Doesn't necessarily mean that there was anything actually M-rated in it. Remember, the alleged author wasn't even 17 years old herself. You remember what happens when immature writers try to write mature fanfiction, right?

CCX: Ah, right; _Unconditional Love_ was just switched from an M t couple of weeks ago.

CC: In fairness, there had always been that "for later content" in the summary, so if we ever decided to finish it we could've made it live up to its rating. Also, remember the stuff from "my" era, the stuff that's never been published and never will be?

CCX: Most of it no longer _can_ be because that computer's gone and if we actually did save any of it to disks, they're probably gone as well. But I'm pretty sure we still have a hard copy of that drek _Inuyasha _lemon from near the end of "your" era.

CC: Oh, right, that. Forgot all about that one. Hey, yeah, speaking of bad lemons, that _Golden Sun_ one was actually written on the laptop during high school. We might actually be able to go back and fix that.

CCX: It could be a fun endeavor, like when we spruced up the old CCS fic (which was still bad, but at least _might_ have been able to join _TLaHVT _as something publishable from its era), but would we want to? IIRC the pairings in that don't mesh with our current preferences.

CC: Good point.

**Satan and I walked 2 his car. It wuz a blak car wif pentagrams all over it. On da license plate said 666 just lik Draco's car. I went in it seduktivly. **(CC: No you didn't. You don't know how to seduce people with actual brains.)** Stan started 2 drive it. **(CCX: Who's Stan? CC: Stan da man!)** We talked about Satanism (lolz he wuz named after Satan), kuttting **(CCX: Three t's!)**, musik and being goffik. **(CC: Oh, it's back to being "goffik". CCX: That's because "kuttting" stole all of the t's.)

**"Oh my satan, Gerard is so fuking hot!11" Volxemort **(CC: I thought it was Satan!)** agreed as we smoked sum weed. (koz bi guyz r hot dey r so sensitive I luv dem lol goez fux a bi guy)**

CCX: That may actually be the most accurate thing she's said yet.

**"Lol, I totally decided not 2 comit suicide when I herd Hilena." I said in a flirty voice.**

CC: Only you could talk about suicide in a flirty voice, Enoby.

CCX: You do remember that Gerard Way actually wrote that song to mourn his dead _grandmother,_ right?

CC: Yeah, well, these bands are a little fucked up, too. Nothing new; back in the sixties most bands were on weed at the least and often LSD.

**"….Hey Satan do u know da cure 4 when ppl r adikted 2 Volxemortseruem?"**

**"Well…" he thought. "I fink u have 2 drink Vampire blod." **(CCX: A fine inversion.)

**Suddenly Volxemort parked da car behind a blak movie theater. **(CC: Okay, now you're just getting gratuitous with the blackness. CCX: Blakness, and don't you mean "egregious"?)** Satan and I walked outside. **(CCX: Oh, so they're both there.) **We went in2 **(both: *cringe*)** da **(both: *cringe again*)** movie tether **(theater) **were **(where)** they were showing da Excercist. In it a boy and a gurl were doing it sudenly a cereal killer came lol. Satan and I laughed at da blood koz we're sadists.**

"CC, were there any sex scenes in the Exorcist?"

"I don't know, but I don't think so. No serial killers, either, I don't think."

"Cereal killers. Those breakfast foods can be vicious. Hey, I found something even better on the old computer—another completed chapter of one of the fics that _was_ published. Unfortunately, the only flash drive I can find is the one that's kind of broken. Worse, before it stopped registering completely I managed to notice that if we could've salvaged it, we'd get back the missing Poltergeist Mansion playlists."

"…Well, fuck. Didn't we have multiple flash drives?"

"Hold on, I've got another idea. Our flash drives may be few but our blank CDs should be many." X rummages around. "…okay this is just getting stupid. And we threw out the portable floppy drive, didn't we?"

"I think so…I'll check. …Well, it's not there, but guess what I found in its place?"

"What?"

"One of our good flash drives."

"Score."

**While Satan was watching da movie, I had an idea. I took Satan's gothic blak Nightmare b4 Christmas cigar sexily **(CC: I hate you. CCX: I don't think merchandising has gone that far yet.)** from his poket and put sum Amnesia potion in it. I put it bak in his blak Emile the Strange bag. Satan turned arund and started 2 smoke it. Blak cloudz wif red pentagramz ind em started 2 fly around everywhere.**

**"OMG!111" Satan said jumping up. I gasped koz I wuz afraid hed notizd. "Enoby gess what?"**

**I new that the amnesia had worked.**

CCX: And how did you know that, since he still seemed to remember your name?

CC: Yeah, he called you Enoby and everything.

**"Amnesia potion has not been invented yet so it will not work." He said. "2 badd coz I wanted 2 use sum on u."**

CCX: Time travel does not work like that!

CC: If it doesn't work because it hasn't been invented yet, how could he possibly want to use some on her?

**"Kul." I raised my eye suggestingly. And den…. he tok of my cloves sexily and we started 2 make out. I tok of his shit.**

CC: That sentence pains me.

CCX: It makes more sense if you read "shit" as meaning "shirt".

CC: You're right, it does. Barely. But I'd rather just add an e to "tok" and turn it into a marijuana reference.

CCX: That works too.

**He had six-pak justr lik Gerard Way!11 We frenched.**

CCX: Passively?

**"Xcuze me but u r going 2 have 2 leave!111" shooted da lady behind us she was a prep. **(CC: Your lack of punctuation is painful.)

**"Fuk u!11" I said.**

CC: Did you really? Did you really say "Fuck you eleven"? I think that's kind of racist.

CCX: I was going to yell at you for getting too MSTy, but that was priceless.

**Suddenly…. I attaked her suking all her blood.**

**"Noooooo!11" she screamed. All the preps in da theater screamed but everyone else crapped **(CCX: clapped. CC: No, crapped fits fine here.) **koz Satan and I loked so cute 2gether. Satan and I started to walk outside.**

**"Zomg how did u do that?" Voldremort asked in a turned-on voice.**

**"I'm a vampire." I said as we went into the car.**

CC: This is the skin of a killer! *sparkle*

**"Siriusly?" he gasped. **(CCX: Yes, _now_ she spells "Sirius" correctly. Obvious troll.)

**"Yah siriusly." I said drinking sum beer.**

CCX: O RLY?

CC: YA RLY.

**Satan started 2 drive da car. I smelled happily.**

CC: Just like this fic.

CCX: I think that was supposed to be "smiled".

CC: That's kind of redundant, and besides, I thought happiness was an alien emotion to these characters.

**"Itz too bad we didn't get 2 c da rest of the movie, don't u fink?"**

CCX: Why _did_ they leave, if everyone else decided they didn't have a problem with Satan and Enoby?

CC: Because the theater smelled like crap. That's why Enoby smelled happily once she got in the car and away from the theater.

**"Yah." I said as we kised passively. **(CC: Yep, it was passively.)** Satan parked in a blak driveway **(CCX: Just like every other driveway. CC: Not the ones that are unpaved.)** next 2 da place where Draco and I had watched GC for the frist time. We went inside where Marylin Mason wuz playing and started to mosh lol. **(CC: Why lol?)

**"Anti-ppl now uve gone 2 far Jeus Krist Superstar!1111" screamed Marlin on da stage.**

CCX: "Anti-people"?

CC: We have to just assume that that's a genuine Marilyn Manson lyric, since it's not like we've ever heard any of his work.

**We did the devil fingers. I started 2 dance really close to Satan. He was so shmexay!1 **(CC: I think I actually like this new word.)** He looked at me all emo with his gothic red eyes and he looked exactly like Mikey Way. I almost got an orgaism!1 **(CC: A single-celled orgaism. Oh, wait, that's your brain.)** Suddenly Marylin Mason stopped singing.**

**"I wood like to peasant…..XBlakXTearX!11" he said.**

CCX: I'd like a wooden peasant.

CC: I'd prefer a fleshy one. Female.

**I ran onstage. Lucian, Samaro, Snap and Hades were there. They started 2 play their instilments. **(CCX: …why?)** I got onstag.**

**"Wel if u wonted honesty datz all u had 2 say!1111" I sang. (I dnot own da lyerix 2 dat song) My voice sounded lik a pentagram betwen Amy Lee and a gurl version of Gerard Woy. Everyone clappd. Satan got an eructation. **(CC: Again, why?)** "I'M NUT OKAY!1" I sang finaly. Suddenly Lucian started playing da song wrong by mistak.**

**"OMFG!1" yielded James. "Wut the fuck?"**

**"Woops im sory!" said Lucian.**

**"You fuking ashhole!1" James shouted angrily. **(CC: Don't you mean "shooted"?)

**"U guys are such prepz!11" Snap said. "Cum on it wuz a mistake!1"**

**"Yah itz not his fault!11" said Serious.**

**"No he ruined the fucking song!1" yelled Samaro.**

**"U guys stop!11" I shotoed angrily but it waz 2 late. They all began 2 fight. Sudenly Samaro took out hiz nife.**

**"OMFG no!11" shouted Lucan but it wuz 2 late James tried 2 shoot off his arm.** (CCX: …with a knife?)

**And den…I jumped secxily in front of da bullet!11 **(CC: Yeah, with a knife. Must be a gunblade.)

**"No!111" yielded **(yelled)** everyone but it wuz 2 late suddenly everyfing went blak.**

"How could she tell? Everything's always black in this story."

"Yeah, I know. Anyway, the computer shut itself off because I accidentally knocked out the cord and it has _zero_ battery life now. I decided to just copy the entire My Documents folder to the flash drive, but it took awhile because it turns out there was music in there. Much of it would actually be the type of stuff Enoby would listen to—I caught some Linkin Park in there, albeit from the Jay-Z mashup album, as well as some Yellowcard (a band that was never mentioned in here but strikes me as very emo.)"

"Nah, I think they're probably closer to Fall Out Boy types than the stuff in here."

"…I disagree. Yeah, their vibe is more Fall Out Boy/Panic at the Disco, but their lyrics were a bit whinier. Well, at least it was faster loading it into this computer."

"So, the results, X?"

"…Yeah, it's there. And it's horrendous. It's so bad, you even _realized_ how bad it was at the time, acknowledging the possibility that despite attempted lemon material there was a chance it could be published with a T rating. Also, 26 chapters and it doesn't even make the 20,000 word plateau."

"I sincerely doubt that."

"…Okay, yeah, you also said you thought it was one of your best at one point. Although, given its competition… And there was a surprising amount of non-lemon stuff, too. OCs, villainous ones."

"…That actually sounds like something that could've been rehabilitated."

"Well, there's the obvious problem that you hadn't actually _played_ Lost Age yet at the time."

"Oh. Right."

"So anyway, two more missing chapters of FEGS have just gone up."

"Brilliant. Do we even have to continue doing this tonight, then?"

"Yes. Besides, we're about to reach the 'hacker' chapter."

"But there's nothing worth commenting on in that chapter."

"Yes there is. The 'replacement author' also fucks with canon by pairing Draco with Hermione, and Ebony gets sent to hell and for her eternal torture she is forced to become a prep. It is awesome. Oh, right, and then the 'original' version of the chapter is posted afterwards."

**I woke up in da Norse's **(CCX: Norris? CC: No, Nurse.)** offace on a special gothik coffin. Hairgrid wuz in da bed opposite me in a comma coz Vampir and Draco had bet him up. **(CCX: I re-raise all-in.)** Mr. Noris was cleaning the room.**

**"Oh mi satan wut happened!" I screamed. Suddenly Volxemort came. **(CC: And Mr. Norris yelled at him for getting cum all over his nice clean floor.) **He loked less mean then usual.**

**"Get the fuk out u fucking bastard!11" I yielded. **(CCX: REDUNDANCY!

**"Thou hath nut killd Vampire yet!11" he said arngrily. **(CC: Bad "Olde English".)** Sudenly he started 2 cry tearz of blood al selective. **(CCX: Proof that this _still_ isn't Enoby—I mean Tara. She'd never actually turn "seductive" into a completely different actual word. CC: And if she did, it'd probably be "sedative". CCX: That too.)

**"Volxemort? OMFG what's wrong!111" I asked.**

**Sudenly…. Lucian, Profesor Sinister and Serious came! B'lody Mary and Vampire were wif dem. Every1 was holding blak boxez. VOLXEMORT DISAPAERD.**

"…Why?"

**"OMFG Enoby ur alive!111" Scremed Vampire. I hugged him and B'lody Mary.**

**"What the fuk happened?" I asked dem. "Oh my satan!11 Am I lik dead now?" I gosped.**

**"Enoby u were almost shot!11" said Serious. **(CC: She _was_ shot. CCX: By a knife.) **"But da ballet could not kill u since u were form anodder time." **(CC: A ballet. Yes, very deadly. CCX: Depends on who the ballerina is. If it's Summer Glau, all bets are off.)

**"But fangz anyway!1" said Lucian holding oot his arm. **(CC: Da Legend of Enoby, OC-Arena of Tiem.) ** I gasped. He had two arms!**

**"OMG I cant beleve Vampirz' dad shot u!1" I gasped.**

**"Well 2 be honest Snap wuz pozzesd by Snap bak den." said James.**

CCX: Snap…was possessed by Snap.

CC: Can't be any weirder than Metal Gear Solid 4's revelations about Liquid Ocelot.

**"Yah he wuz a spy." Serious said sadly. "He wuz really a Death Dealer."**

CC: And _that_ is why you don't re-raise all-in when playing against wizards unless you're absolutely sure you're holding the nuts.

**"And he wuz such a fuking poser 2!11" said Lucian. "He didn't even realy no hu GC were until I told him." Well anyway everyone tarted 2 give me presents. **(CC: Oh, Enoby, you're enough of a tart already.)** I was opening a blak box wif red 666s (there wuz a dvd of corps bride in it) on it when I gasped. Mr. Noris looked up angrily coz he h8ed gothz.**

**"Hey haz aneone fuking seen Draco?" I asked gothikally.**

**"No Draco told me he wood be watching Hoes of Wax." **(CCX: Is House of Wax goffik? CC: I'll look it up on TVTropes.)** said Profesor Trevolry. "He duzzn't know dat ur better. Anyway da norse said u could get up. Cum on!1" **(CCX: On what?)

**I got up suicidally. **(CCX: You almost died. Are you sad that you didn't?)** Lucian, Serious and Profesor Sinister left. I wuz wearing a blak leather nightgun. **(CCX: Nightgunblade…)** Under that I had on a sexxy blak leather bra trimed wif blak lace, with a matching thong that said goffik gurl **(CCX: That's…sad. Because it still reminds me of "Gossip Girl", which is as preppy as it gets.)** on the butt and sexy fishnetz that kind hooked on 2 my thong **(CCX: There's obviously a word missing here.)** (if u don't get da idea massage me ill tell u). **(CCX: No thanks…even a massage might be enough for me to get a disease from you.) **I put on a blak fishnet top **(CCX: More clothes? Er, I mean cloves?)** under a blak MCR t-shirt, a blak leather mini with blak lace **(CCX: blakblakblakblak)** and congress shoes. **(CCX: Probably should wrap this chapter up; _Political Animals_ is starting soon.)** I left the hospital's wings wif B'lody Mary, Willow and Vampire.**

"Cuz you are the wind, beneath _myyyyyyyyy _wings!" Cyberchao sang.

"You're back. What did you find?"

"There are two movies with that name, a 1953 Vincent Price film—itself a remake of a 1933 film called _Mystery of the Wax Museum_—and a 2005 slasher starring Elisha Cuthbert and Paris Hilton. I'd say that the 1953 film would probably show genuine goth cred but the 2005 film is probably the one being referenced, and that wouldn't."

"The more you know."

**"OMFG letz celebrate!11" gasped Willow.**

**"We can go c Hose of Wax wif Draco!1" giggled Vampire.**

**"Letz go lizzen 2 GC and kut ourselvz 666!11" said Hermoine.**

CC: She… she actually said 666, in the middle of a sentence.

CCX: End of a sentence. And I have to admit, the first time I read the _Harry Potter _books I actually did misread Hermione's name as being "Hermoine", pronounced, well, exactly like that, with the final e being silent.

**We opened da conmen room door sexily. And den…..I gasped… Draco wuz there doing it wif Snap!1111111111111111111111111 **(CC: Too many ones!)** He wuz wearing a blak tshirt wif 666 on da front and baggy jeanz.**

**"U fucking prep!11" we all yielded angrily.**

CCX: No, I don't think they did yield.

**"Yah u betrayed us!111" shooted Vampire angrily as he took out his blak gun.**

**"No u don't understand!1" screamed Draco sadly as he took his thingie out of Snake's.**

CC: Or his snake out of Thingie's.

CCX: He had his thingie…in Snake's thingie. _HOW DO YOU DO THAT?_

CC: Magic. Duh.

**"No shit u fuking suk u preppy bastard!111" said Willow trying 2 attak him (u rok girl!1). I ran suicidally to my room I sexily took a steak out.**

CC: Mmm…steak.

CCX: I see Tara and Raven are getting along again.

**"Enoby no!11111" screamed Draco but it wuz 2 l8 I had slit muh ritsts wif it suddenly everyfing went blak again.**

"And so Chapter 39 ends. How are there still 5 chapters left after the 'hacker'?"

"Well, Chapter 40 is a repeat of Chapter 39, minus the hacker's own contributions. Chapter 41…huh."

"What is it, CC?"

"They mentioned Panic! At the Disco. (Yes, they still had the exclamation point in their name, which Eno—Tara rendered as a question mark.) So I guess Fall Out Boy and Panic at the Disco _do_ count as 'goffik'. This makes Yellowcard's absence even more egregious. Also, she's talking as if we don't know who Marilyn Manson is, when she's used his name plenty of times before."

**"OMFG! Im back in Tim again!111" I screamed loudly. **(CCX: Who's Tim? CC: Stan's friend.)** Suddenly Satan(dis is actually voldimort 4 photo **(further)** refrenss!). Voldimort wuz wearing a blak leather Jackson, **(CCX: Who's Jackson? CC: That joke's getting stale.)** blak tight jeans and fishnet pantz. **(CC: That's disgusting.)** He looked so sexah I almost had an orgy!11 **(CC: "Orgy" is not an acceptable abbreviation for orgasm. It has its own sexual meaning.)

"And now we skip ahead a little in the chapter."

**"I guess that's ok." I said because James hadn't really shot Lucian. Also I noo that Lucian wood now have 2 arms instead of 1. I walked seduktivly outside with Satan. Suddeni I saw a totally sexi goffik bi guy!11 He had bleched blond hair wiv blak streaks up 2 his ears and he wuz wearing goffik blak iliner, a blak Green Day shirt (it showed billy joel **(CC: This is just sad. I _like_ Green Day, _and_ Billy Joel, so this is painful.)**wiv bolnd hair since it was da eighties), blak congress shoes and black baggy pants. He walked in all sexly like Gerrd way in the vido for I Don't 3 u lyk I did yesterday **(CCX: "I Don't Three You Like I Did Yesterday"? CC: Tried to represent the word "love" with a less than three and got screwed over by the site's refusal to accept the greater than/less than signs.)** and you cud see a blak tear on his face lyk da wmn in dat video. "Hey." He sed all qwietly and goffically.**

**"Who da fuck is that?" I asked angrly cos I did nut kno him.**

**"Dis is…Hedwig!11" Sed Volximort. "He used to be in XBlackXTearX 2 but he had 2 dropp out koz he broke his arm.**

"…Hedwig's a human now?"

"Hedwig's a _dude_ now?"

**"Hey Hedwig." I said seductively evn tho I wuz nut tring to b.**

CC: You're a nut, alright.

**"Lol hi Enoby." He answered but then he ran away bcos he had hair of magical creature. He was humming Welcum 2 da Blak Prade under his breth( I no dat is not 80s but pretend it is ok!)**

**"Bye." I sed all sexily.**

**"Dat was Hedwig. He used 2 b my boifreind but we broke up." Satan said sadly, luking at his blak nails.**

**"OMFG I can get u bak 2gether!" I said fingering something I didn't know wuz in my pocket- a blak Kute is What we Aim 4 cideo ipod that I could take videos wif (duz ne1 elze no about dem? dey kik azz!).**

CCX: I forget, when was this fic made? Because I didn't know that Cute Is What We Aim For had been around that long.

CC: Yeah, search me. I've given up on figuring out any rhyme or reason to what makes a band "goffik".

CCX: If Tara listens to it, it's "goffik".

CC: Well, you know that Hot Topic sells T-shirts from _all_ bands, not just the goffik ones, right?

CCX: _I_ do. _She_ doesn't. Let's stop here, finish this up next time.

CC: Sounds good. Only a few chapters left, so one more installment should do it. Ja ne!


	8. Part 8

Dissection of a Disaster  
a Cyberchao X production

Disclaimer: …Yeah.

"Looks like we weren't exactly on our game last time, CC."

"Oh? How so?"

"We ended our coverage of Chapter 41 a bit prematurely. Behold…"

**Lucian, James, Serious and Snake were all in da Grate Hall. Lucian woudnt talk wiv James because he had tried 2 shoot him.**

**"Go fuk urself you fukking douche!" he shouted at him. "Drako is never gong 2 b frends with vampire now!1"**

CC: Oh. I see. Ridiculous time paradox with the past people having knowledge of their future children.

CCX: It gets worse.

**"Yah go fuck urself Samaro!" Snape agreed but I noo he wuz lying koz it had been his folt James had almost shot Lucian.**

CC: Well, yes, that is worse, but we're trying to be objective.

CCX: I'm not talking about the defilement of canon. Besides, _Deathly Hallows_ wasn't even out when this was written, so whether Snape was good or evil still _was_ up in the air.

**"B quiet u guys." I said sexily. Mi **(my)** plan waz working oot great. Now I kood make Voldement good wivout doing it with him! **(CC: Oh god, literal Sex Face Turn plan.)** Now Vampire's dad wood never die and "OK Satan and Hedwig, u guys can start making out." I said and I started 2 film dem wiv da ipod.**

CC: Which, by this fic's own rules, should be completely useless in this time period since it hadn't been invented yet.

**"Kool." said Serious as Voldemort and Hedwig started 2 make out sexily. **(CCX: Redundant! CC: Not necessarily; makeouts _can_ be quite repulsive to spectators.)** We watched as tdey **(CCX: Are you even trying anymore? D is _three_ keys away from H!)** started 2 take each odderz cloves off sexily. Samaro, Serious, Snake and Lucian all watched koz dey wer prolly bi. I noo Snape was bi.**

"What exactly _was_ the plan? They had broken up, and Enoby just brings them back together and says 'you can make out now' and they do."

"That _was_ the plan. She used her Mary Sue powers to instantly make everything right."

"So in other words, by this point the author had given up any pretense of this not being a blatant Mary Sue fic."

"Yep. She's fixing what went wrong in ridiculously implausible ways."

**"Oh my fukking god! Voldimort! Voldimort!" **(CC: Wasn't that not his name yet? CCX: Actually, by the time the Marauders were at school, Tom Riddle very well might have already been Lord Voldemort. Because, you know, they weren't at Hogwarts at the same time! CC: Right.)** screamed Hedwig as his glock touched Voldemort's.**

"Ah. I see what you mean now. How did we let her calling a cock a Glock slip by us?"

"No clue."

**Publisher's Note:**** The next chapter. Mass update coming now. Really sorry once again. Wow, we're almost as bad as Tara herself.**

**-Jade**

"Yeah, I don't see how you get that, Jade."

**Chapter 42. da blak parade**

**AN: omg da new book iz kumming out rlly soon I kant wait!1111. I fink dat snap will be really the same person as Volximort koz dey are both haff-blood so dat will explain y he kild dumblydore and he hated hairy!1111 nd den hairy wil have 2 kommit suicide so voldimort will die koz he will rilly be a horcrox!111 omg I hope draco nd harry get 2getha dat will be so shmexxy, wont it? If dey don't den JKR is hamophobic!111111 fangz 4 da help wiv facts, medusa u rok!111**

"Wow. She actually guessed something right—Harry really _was_ a Horcrux, though of course, he had Voldemort do the killing."

"And yet, she was so ridiculously wrong about Snape."

"The irony of her 'homophobic' comment is hilarious, though, given the outcry when J.K. Rowling revealed that there had been a homosexual character in the story all along—_Dumbledore_."

"What is your opinion on that whole business, by the way?"

"It's your opinion too; we're two avatars of the same author. I think it was really well done. When she outright said it and pointed out the facts, it was like 'okay, yeah, I guess there was some subtle evidence to the fact and absolutely no evidence to the contrary'. And that's what made it so great. There was never really much reason to suspect, or _care_, what Dumbledore's sexuality was, because he didn't actually have any romantic subplots. If a character isn't involved in any romantic subplots, their sexuality really should be just an incidental fact about them, but most of the time, if that sexuality is anything other than 'straight', it's not just incidental; it becomes an issue in some way. By creating a character who just happens to be gay, but wouldn't be any different a character were he straight, J.K. Rowling has in fact shown an extremely enlightened viewpoint."

"Wow. That's some speech. Whose was it originally?"

"Don't be like that. Yeah, I'm sure I'm not the first to write such an opinion, but these words are my own. I stated my opinion on homosexuality far more succinctly in a recent chapter of _Lonely No More._ 'I never really saw the appeal in homosexuality, but I don't have a problem with it.'"

"Oh, yeah, I almost forgot…who the fuck is 'medusa'?"

"Dunno. Looks like Raven got replaced."

**I sat depressedly in Dumbledork's office wiv Hedwig, Satan, James, Serious, Snap and Lucian. Dumbledore was sitting in front of us cruelly. He looked more young den he did in da future. **(CC:Well, _duh._) **He had taken da ipod away and wuz now lizzening 2 a shitty Avril Levine song. **(CCX: Another alleged time paradox. CC: No more so than the iPod being there in the first place. CCX: But how did music Ebony doesn't like get on her iPod? CC: It's not hers, remember? She has no clue how it got there.)

**"What da hell is this anyway?" he cackled meanly. I hoped he didn't find out dat I was frum another time.**

**"Whatever u do don't blame Ibony, u jerk." Satan said.**

**"Yah, siriusly she was trying to get Satan and Hedwig back together." Serious said deviantly.** (CCX: This one line is probably the defining proof that this is a parody. Both "serious" and "sirius" appear in the sentence…each where the other one belongs. CC: Also, deviantly instead of defiantly. Though this entire fic is deviant.)

**"Be quiet you Satanists." Dumbledore cockled. **(cackled) **"If ur lucky I'll probably send u all to Akazaban! That will teach u to copolate in da Great Hall."**

CCX: Huh. She misspelled it, of course, but "copulate" is actually a pretty decent word for this situation. A surprising inclusion.

**He changed the song on da ipod 2 a n'Sync song. **(CCX: Again, how did that get on there? I'm not sure I'm believing that it isn't hers; she just said she didn't know it was there, and it had a band that she liked so…)** Suddenly I noticed sumfing strong **(strange)** about da Ipod. It was slowly chonging! Dumblydore didn't notece.**

CC: "Chonging"?

CCX: And Cheeching. Now, let's go back to discussing this without direct quotes. In a bizarre plot twist that actually would be pretty hard to see coming, the iPod turns into Marty McFly's time machine. The adverb "spuriously" is used to describe one of Dumbledore's exhortations, and Ebony snatches the time machine away and tells everyone to jump in, but only Satan does so.

CC: I forget, which one is Satan?

CCX: Voldemort, I think, although at one point while they're still in the past Tara has "Tom" say something. Anyway, as they leave…

**"You dunderheads!1111111111" screamed Dumbledore wisely as we went.**

CC: Okay, what. That was…

CCX: Yeah. That is then _immediately_ followed by this:

**I looked around. I wuz in da Slitherin conmen room wiv Satan. I was wearing a blak plaid miniskirt with hot pink fishnetz, a sexy blak MCR corset and blak stiletto boots with pink pentagroms on dem. My earrings were blake Satanist sins and my raven hair was all around me to my mid-black.**

CC: I still don't think she knows what a corset is.

CCX: Of corset she doesn't. That's the only thing she mentions that's above the waist, so if nothing else, she's got her breasts exposed at the moment.

CC: I'm not sure what a "Satanist sign" actually is, but "sin" continues to be an appropriate misspelling of sign in this situation.

CCX: Meanwhile, "black" is misspelled four times and correctly spelled in a situation where the _appropriate_ word would've been "back".

CC: Still, it is a shame this isn't illustrated. It would be fun to see all of the outfits described, and the fact that they're described at such random times would make it even funnier because I could totally picture her outfit just spontaneously changing at random intervals.

CCX: Yeah, that _would_ be fun.

**"OMFG kool wait whatz a 4-letter-wurd 4 dirt?" he esked in his sexah voice.**

**"Um I guezz sand?" I laid confuesdly.**

CCX: …What. Okay, big finish for this screwed-up chapter.

**Suddenly some of my friends walked in.**

**"OMG you're fucking alive!" said Ginny **(CCX: Told you she was in this fic)** wearing a blak leather jocket **(CC: Not "Jackson"?)**, blak baggy pants **(CCX: A girl in this fic not wearing a miniskirt? I call shenanigans.)** and a goffik black Frum First to Last shirt. I explained 2 her why I was alive.**

**"Konichiwa, bitch." said Willow. She was wearing a blak corset showing off her boobs with lace all around it and red stipes on it. With it she waz wearing a blak leather miniskirt, big blak boots, white foundation, blak eyeliner, red eyeshadow, and blak lipstick. **(CCX: Much better.)

**"Hey, motherfucker." Said Diabolo with his red hair. He waz wearing a black P?ATD t-shit and blak baggy pants. **(CC: She can't even get the punctuation right. It's P_!_ATD, or at least it was at the time this was written. CCX: Also, t-shit.)

**"Hey whose **(who's)** that, Ibony?" **(CCX: Again with the "Ibony". I don't remember that being one of the original misspellings.)** B'loody Mary questioned as she walked in wearing a black t-shit with a red pentarom **(CC: Good for storing 5…somethings of memory.)** on it with lace at the bottom, red letther pants with blak lace, and black stolettoes.**

CC: Do you have a problem with that outfit too?

CCX: Nah, the leather compensates; skin-tight works just as well as skin-baring.

**"Oh its Satan." I told her and she nodded knowing da truth.**

**Suddenly Satan started to cry.**

**"Are you okay Satan?" we asked concernedly.**

**"OMFG ur from da future!1! What if u don't like m anymore koz were from difrent times?" he asked. **(Random emo trip!)

**"No I still like you." I said sexily to him.**

**"Ok." He said ressuredly. I let him lizzen 2 Teenagers by MCR on my ipod while I was about to go outside to find out some fingz. I gave Diabolo a signal to keep Satan occupied. Satan fell asleep. I took the iPod. I was about to walk outside. Profesor Sinister ran in!1111 She was wearing a gothic blak minidress with depressing blak stripes, white and blak stripped tights, and red converse shoes. She was wearing LOTS of blak iliner.**

CC: Depressing black stripes?

CCX: I have no idea. And I was all ready to make a comment about the unqualified "liner" until I copied it over and noticed that there was actually an i before the first l.

**"Oh my fucking god, where's Draco!111 How did Snap get back here! I tohot **(thought) **he wuz in Azerbaijan." I asked sadly.**

CCX: The thought of Azerbaijan as a prison colony is somewhat amusing. They won ten medals at the recently finished Olympics, _seven_ of them in wrestling. And the other three came in boxing (2) and weightlifting. So clearly they are not to be fucked with.

**"Ebony I was so worried abott u but I know you can't fucking die because you're a vrompire. **(Vrompire!)** Snape came back because that girl Britney freed him. I never liked her she was a bad student." Trevolry said reassuredly.**

CCX: I think she means "reassur_ing_ly".

CC: I think Sinistra and Trelawney aren't the same person.

CCX: They are in this fic. I'm just not sure which is her first name and which is her last.

CC: Well, given that other people in this fic are named "Ebony", "Vampire", "Satan", and "B'loody Mary", I'm going to go with her full name being Sinister Trevolry, not Trevolry Sinister.

CCX: A reasonable assumption. I'm making this part of my headcanon for _My Immortal._

**"That bitch!11 Did she also free Hargrid and Loopin?" I shouted angrily. I hated Britney because she was a fucking prep.**

CCX: Isn't Lupin a good guy?

CC: Not in this fic. Notice how he was always left out in the past Marauders scenes?

CCX: I suddenly feel very sad for Peter Pettigrew. He doesn't even _appear_ in this fic.

CC: Shouldn't you be happy for him, then?

**"Yes they are on the loose at this school. Dumblydore is back Cornelia is on his way to help evry1. Tell evry1 u see to lock themselves in their conman room!" Trevolry said worriedly.**

CCX: What's a conman room?

CC: I think it's a place you can hide out when you're wanted by the authorities, like the Room of Requirement.

CCX: Oh. Gotcha.

**"OK. But where's Dracko? How cum he was doing it with Snap?"**

**"I dunno why but I know he almost tried 2 commit suicide after he saw u almost kill urself." she said.**

**"OMG dat's terrible!" I gasped. Satan was still asleep, so he couldn't tell what was going on. Then I said "Lizzen evry1, I have sumthing imptent to do. in hr evry1 stay!" wiv dat I ran out.**

**"Good luck Tara!11" everyone cried.**

CCX (simultaneously): That's _Ebory!_

CC (simultaneously): That's _Enoby!_

Both: Wait, I thought… *shrug* Eh, whatever.

**I ran sexily down the staris in2 da Grate Hall while da portraits around looked at me scaredly. There was hardly ne1 else in the stairs nd tere was an atmosphere of horrer. On da way I saw Britney laughing on da stairs. She was wearing a a slutty pink shirt wiv flowers on it, a blu jean skirt Abercromie **(CCX: There's a word missing here, I'm sure…)** and pink stiletoos. She looked jest like a pentagram **(CC: Hate that "pun"; it's not even a pun and she used the word cross in the _same chapter _she introduced it.) **of those fucking preps Hilery Duff and Lindsey Lohan. **(CCX: I forget, when was this fic made? Because Lindsey should've been well on her way to being a total slut by the time some of those bands mentioned earlier were formed.)

**"You fucking bitch!111" I shouted angrily.**

**"No, your totally a bitch. Now Voldemort will like totally kill u!" she laughed.**

**"Crucious!1" I shouted selectively pontificating **(seductively pointing…it's _Tara_; that's _obviously_ "seductively")** my blak wand and she started screaming koz she was being tortured and I laughed sodistically.**

**"No!1 Help me!1 Please!1" Britney screamed terrifiedly. **(CC: *facepalm*)

**I put up my middle finger at her. In her hand I saw da video camera Snape and Lumpin had used to take da video of me. I put the tape of Voldimort doing it with Hedwigg onto it. Then I continued to rown down the stairs with the camera. When I had reached da Grate Hall I saw Vampire Potter. "OMG Vampira!111" I yielded.**

**We hugged each udder happily. He locked at me wif his gothic red eyes and spiky blak hair. Around them were blak eyeliner and iShadow. **(CCX: The newest Apple product.)** His He wus **(CC: It burns!)** wearing a blak leather Jackson **(CC: There we go!)**, ledder pants, a Panik at da Disko concert shirt and his blak congress shoes. He looked mor like Joel from Good Charlote than ever. (did u hear der song da river it rox!1)"I wus so worried you died!" moaned Vampire.**

**"I know but Im a vampire lol. When I woke up I wuz back in 1980, so neway I bought Voldimort from when he was yung with me."**

**"Where's Draco?" I asked spuriously. **(CC: But-but-but…the last line was _yours!_ And what the fuck does "spuriously" mean, anyway! CCX: Apparently it means "falsely". So no, it doesn't make any sense here.)

**"Draco? You mean that fukking poser who betroyed you?" Vampir snarkled with anger in his sexy voice.**

**"I NO BUT WE HAV 2 FIND HIM." I SED SMARTY. **(SMARTLY…I mean smartly. Forget to take the caps lock off, Tara?)

**"I'll do it den." Harry said angstily.**

**"OK." I argreed. Suddenly….all da lights in da room went out. And den….da Dork Mark appeared.**

**"Oh my fucking satan!" Harry shouted.**

**"I fink Voldimort has arrivd." I sed anxiously. "Fuck, I have to find Draco!1 I guess we shood separate."**

**"Ok." Vampire sed diapperating. Sadly I ran into the Great Hall.**

CCX: Chapter 43 starts in very dull fashion. Plenty of spelling errors, but little of note except the phrase "in deadly bloom" until Lupin and Mr. Norris show up suddenly, fail to notice Enoby and Draco, and Enoby puts Lupin in chains with the spell "Pop addelum".

**"Oh my satan, we were so worried about u guys!1" Vampire said. I looked sexily at Draco with his goffik red eyes with contacts, blak t-shirt that said 666 on it and pale skin like Gerord Way, Vampir with his sexy blak hair and red eyes just like Frank Iero and Satan who looked jist like Brandan Urie then.**

CC: I have no idea who Frank Iero is.

CCX: I'd say look him up, but for all I know his name's been misspelled.

**I selectively took the caramel from my pocket. **(CC: "Caramel"? CCX: Probably "camera". Remember, everyone in this fic is exhibitionists and loves to be videotaped doing it unless the one doing the taping is a "pervert" like Lupin.) **And then….. I began frenching Draco sexily. Loopin gasped. Draco began to take all of his cloves off and I could see his white sex-pack. **(CCX: Six-pack. CC: That's debatable.)** Then Vampire took his own clotes off too. **(CC: Not "cloves"? CCX: He's a vampire; garlic bothers him. CC: There are other types of cloves. CCX: Equally fragrant, though, so still a problem.)** We all began making out 2gther sexily. I took off my blak leather bra **(CCX: Um…)**, my blak lace thong and the rest of my clothes.** (CC: No description of the other clothes? CCX: I guess she hasn't changed since last chapter. I guess her boobies weren't exposed then, after all.)** Every1 took their glocks out except 4 me im a girl lol. **(CC: No, really?) **"Oh mi satan! Draco!" I screamed as he put his hardness in my thingy **(CCX: That is probably the best-written sex scene in this entire fanfic. She actually acknowledged both a man's penis and a woman's vagina as separate things.)** Den he did da same fing to Harry. **(CC: So of course, she ruins it during the same sentence, since there's no period after Draco enters Ebory even though the next word is capitalized.)** I began making out wiv Satan and he joined in. "OMS!111" **(CCX: Even in chatspeak?)** cried Vampire. "Oh Vampire! Vampire!" I screamed screamed. **(CC: The repetitive repetitive words words continue continue.)** "Oh Satan!" yelled Harry in pleasore. Loopin watched in shock. Wee took turns doing torture curses on him koz we were all sadists. Suddenly…..**

…**.a big blak car that said 666 on the license plate flew strait through da windows. And Snap wuz in it!11**

CCX: That…was a short chapter.

CC: And here we go.

**Publisher's Note- Here it is. The Final Chapter. This is it. The end. No more braincell loss. Sorry. :)**

**For the very last time, **

**-Jade**

**Chapter 44.**

**AN: well I hav noffing 2 say but evrt1 stup glamming **(CCX: Glamming? CC: Flaming. I thought you were supposed to be the one who corrects her!) **ok!111 if any gofik ppl r reading dis den u rok!11 omg I stil kant wait 4 da movie!1 tom fleton is so hot lol i hop harry wil bekum gofik koz mi frend told me he iz rlly emo in dis book!1111 omfg im leeving dubya **(CCX: Dubya?) **pretty soon kant wait! Diz wil prolly be da last chaptah until I kum bak.**

**"Dat's mi car!" shooted Draco angrily. But suddenly it was revealied who was in da car. It wuz….Snape!** (CC: You revealed that last chapter!)

**"I shall free you Loopin but first you must help me kill these idiotic donderheads." he said cruelly from the car as it flew circumamcizing **(circling) **above us. "Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way must be killed. Den the Dork Lord shall never die!"**

**"You fucking prep!" yelled Draco. Then he loked at me sadly. "I forgot to tell u, Ebony. Snape made me do it with him. I didn't really have sexx him but he's a ropeist!"**

**We all put our clothes on quickly except Satan. We were so scarred!1 But Satan didn't change. Instead he changed into a man with gren eyes, no nose, a gray robe and white skin. He had changed into… Voldemont!111**

**"I knew who thou were all along." he cackled evilly and sarcastically at me. "Now I shall kill thee all!" Thunder came in da room.**

**"No plz don't kill us!" pleaded Vampire. Suddenly Willow, B'loody Mary, Diabolo, Ginny, Drocula, Fred and Gorge, Hargrid, McGonagall, Dumblydore, Serious and Lucian all ran in.**

**"What is da meaning of dis?" Dumblydore asked all angrily and Voldimort lookd away (bcos dumblydore is da only whizard he is scared of.) He did a spell and suddenly his broomstick came to him sexily. Volxemort flew above the roof evilly on his broomstik.**

**"Oh my goth!" Slugborn gosped. (geddit kos im goffik) **(CCX: Okay, that was…mildly funny. But why, after being the enemy for so long, is Dumbledore finally on Ebony's side? CC: Because Voldemort.)

**"The Dark Lord shall kill all of you. Then you must submit to him!" Snape ejaculated menacingly. **(CC: Ejaculated menacingly. CCX: For once, we can't be too hard on her; Rowling herself uses "ejaculate" in its outdated meaning of "exclaim" as a said bookism.)

**"You fucking preppy fags!" Serious shouted angrily.**

**"I know a four-letter word 4 dirt, CRUCIATUS!" **(CCX: Is there some joke I'm missing? CC: Well, Voldemort _was_ the one who asked that question…)** screamed Harry but da sparks from his wand only hit Draco's car. **(CCX: …but Harry wasn't in the room so he shouldn't know that. If _Ebony_ had yelled this, it would've made sense.)** It fell down Snap quickly crowled out of it and picked up the cideo camera.**

**"Oh my fucking god!1" I cried becoze the video of me in da bathrum, the video of me dong it wif Drako and the video of Satan doing it with**

CCX: Yes, the sentence just ended right there.

**"If you kill me then deze cideos will be shown to everyone in the skull. Then u can be just like that goffik girl Paris Hillton." He laughed meanly.**

**"No!" I scremed. "FYI I hav da picter of u doing it with Loopin!11"**

**"Whats she talking abott?" Lupin slurped **(CC: Slurped?)** as he sat in chains.**

**"I saw 2 she's gunna show evry1 da picter!111" Harry shouted angrily.**

**"Shut up!111'" Lumpkin roared.**

**"Foolish ignoramuses!" **(Both: Redundancy! CC: Or should I say, redunderhead! CCX: That's "red_o_nderhead".)** yielded Voldemort from his broomstick. "Thou shall all dye soon."**

CCX: Nope. As many Mary Sue traits as she has, Ebony at least keeps her hair color consistent.

**"Think again you fucking muggle poser!1" Harry yelled and then he and Diablo and Navel both took out blak guns! But Voldimort took out his own one.**

**"U guyz are in a Latin stand-of!111" I shouted despariedrly. **(CCX: That's a _Mexican_ standoff. And when did Neville show up in this fic?)

**"Acco Nevel's wand!11" cried Voldrimort nd suddenly Nevil's wind was in his hands. "Now I shall kill thee all and Evony u will die!11111" **(CC: Goddamnit, at least be consistent within one sentence. And stop butchering English.)

**He maid lighting come all over da place. **(CCX: If this were an anime being parodied, there would've been a maid far sooner than this.)

**"Save us Ebony!" Dumbledark cried.**

**I cried sexily I just wanted 2 go 2 the commen room and slit my wrists with mi friends while we watched Shark Attak 3 and Saw 2 and do it with Draco but I knew I had 2 do somefing more impotent. **(CC: Like write bad fanfiction. That shows your impotency, alright.)

**"ABRA KEDABRA!11111" I shooted.**

CC: Shall we continue?

CCX: We _can't_. This is the end of the fic.

CC: …What?!

CCX: In all fairness, she said she might not put up more chapters for awhile. "Awhile" just turned into "forever".

CC: …Fuck. So there we have it, then.

CCX: …Yup.


End file.
